Augmentation
by Night of the Living Monkey
Summary: When Morty's computer breaks, Rick decides to make him one that can withstand his teenage viewing habits. Unfortunately, the robots Rick planned to use for spare parts don't feel like cooperating.
1. The Alien Internet is for Porn

Yep a _Rick and Morty_ / _Doctor Who_ crossover. Because why the balls not. Alright, there are actually some lines from _Rick and Morty_ that inspired this, but more on that within the fic.

I've never written anything related to _Rick and Morty_ before, so if I make any glaring errors or egregious mistakes, please point them out to me.

* * *

"Hey, Rick, I think something's wrong with my computer. Can you take a look at it?"

Without looking up from the radioactive glow in front of him, Rick replied, "I don't need to take a look at it to tell you it's a piece of shit, Morty! It was obsolete before it ever left the store! Also, if you're gonna look at alien porn without even an Earth anti-virus, your days are numbered, Morty! They're numbered!"

Morty blushed furiously. "I wasn't- I had- C-can you fix it?"

"I could fix an eight-track stereo, and it would be about as technologically advanced. Is that what you want, Morty? You wanna do your homework and get off with an eight-track player?" Rick demanded.

"What's an eight-track?"

"It's garbage, just like you!"

"Rick, I really need my computer to work..."

"Then you should have stuck to Earth tits! Because now it's dead!" Rick grabbed the computer and threw it against the wall.

"Why'd you do that, Rick? Maybe I could have taken it back to the store. Maybe Dad kept the receipt."

Rick snorted. "Yeah, and maybe Jerry can induce cold fusion in his bathroom. Even if your dad wasn't the human equivalent of himself, Somalia wouldn't want your computer. Let's go."

Ignoring the green glow that even Morty was clever enough to shield his gonads from, Rick stood up from his workbench. He dug through the pockets of his lab coat, swearing, until he found his keys. Once that was accomplished, he turned to his ship made of garbage.

"Where're we going?" Morty asked.

"Jesus, do I have to spell it out for you? T-O space G-E-T space Y-O-U space A space N-E-W space C-O-M-P-U-T-E-R."

Morty tilted his head. "Can you spell it again, a little slower?"

Rick slow-clapped. "The state of the American education system, ladies and gentlemen. Let's allocate another billion dollars from it to the president's space laser boner fantasy. We're going to get you a computer that can withstand your browsing habits. While we're there, I guess I'll upgrade some of my shit."

"If Morty's getting a new computer, I deserve one, too. I might actually use it for schoolwork. Of course I'll use it for porn, but not _only_ porn."

Summer stood in the doorway, her arms folded across her chest. There was no arguing with that body language. Rick rolled his eyes and bitched, throwing things around his lab and kicking his vehicle, but eventually he shouted, "Fine, Summer, get in the goddamn ship!"

To accommodate herself, Summer had to throw a dozen empty beer bottles out of her seat. "Grandpa Rick, they have this great new invention called recycling. You should really look into it."

From the driver's seat, Rick replied, "You know what's even easier than washing out a hundred bottles a week and sorting them? Throwing them into the sun. Which is why I do that. Not everything has to be a-a-a Rube Goldberg!"

"How is flying 93 million miles easier than walking to the recycling bin?"

"I don't have to use my legs. And away we go!"

* * *

Several light years later, Morty finally realized they weren't in Kansas anymore. Or the planet Earth. Or the solar system.

"R-Rick, uh, I thought we were going to Circuit Shack or Radio City to get me a computer. Remember?"

"I remember that's where your shitty original computer came from. We're going for the upgrade."

"Sweet," Summer chimed in. "I'm going to have better tech than the nerds. Not that I care what they think of me."

"You will when they're rich and swimming in poon," Rick replied.

"Gross!"

"True. You don't think Steve Jobs' zombie couldn't get anything with a pulse?"

Morty gasped, "Steve Jobs is a zombie?!"

Rick shrugged. "I dunno. Wasn't- wasn't there a thing? iZombie? Eh, vampires and mermaids are real, zombies should be real, too. I could make zombies."

"NO!" Summer and Morty screamed simultaneously.

* * *

"Grandpa Rick, are we _ever_ going to get there? Is this, like, the computer store at the edge of forever?" Summer asked.

Morty watched chunks of sad, lifeless asteroids spin past the windshield. It didn't seem like there was anything out here, but he knew from months of adventures that any second now they could stumble upon a wild space port teeming with aliens, adventure, and amazing technology that would give him all the porn his little fourteen-year-old heart could desire.

And Rick definitely knew where he was going. Morty would bet his, well, he didn't really own anything of value right then, but if he did, he'd bet it. Rick wasn't just cruising the depths of space, hoping to bump into a party or a bar.

Summer kicked the back of Rick's seat. "Grandpa Rick!"

"Goddamn it, Summer, it-it's not like we're driving through Iowa! Even Morty can sit still and bask in the wonders of the universe. Look at him. He's up to his eyeballs in ADHD and he isn't even fidgeting. So watch some nebulae or consider how tiny and insignificant you are in the face of the universe, and the next time you kick my chair, I'm ejecting you."

Summer scoffed and pulled out her phone. "I could have had Amazon deliver a new computer by now."

"You know w-what, once robots start delivering your shit, your society's one disenfranchised drone away from needing Sarah Connor. It's only a matter of time before Skynet starts bombing us with dildos and Kindles."

"Like on that planet we went to where the robots rebelled and humans were the slaves and we had to wrap ourselves in aluminum foil so we wouldn't get enslaved. Remember, remember that planet, Rick? I didn't like that one," Morty said.

"Yes, Morty, I can remember back to last week. That's what happens when you give robots too much responsibility and intimate knowledge of what gets you off."

Summer scrunched up and raised the phone inches from her eyes, signalling the withdrawal of her participation in any future conversation with her brother and grandfather over sex toys and robots. She satisfied her boredom by texting, momentarily wondered how long it would take the texts to return to her friends' phones on Earth—if they even would—and then decided she didn't give a shit. Just the act of bitching to her friends millions of miles away was more satisfying than any reply they'd have for her.

"M-Morty, it's gonna get a little bumpy. We're moving into an area of low dimensional stability so buckle up. Summer, I still didn't put a seat belt back there, because that's where Jerry sits, so, uh, hold onto something and protect your head."

Summer didn't have to be told twice. Her phone disappeared down her bra, where it would have airbags to protect it. Her arms now free, Summer clutched onto Morty's seat, fastening like a barnacle. As for "protecting her head" there really wasn't a whole lot she could do to save it if Rick's empties turned into missiles in severe turbulence.

Morty had just managed to click his belt into place when a low-grade rumble began to shake the ship. It felt like being on the tines of a freshly struck tuning fork, vibrations ringing through Morty's teeth and bones. He could hear the change clinking together in his pocket.

"Geez, Rick, what's going on? Are we in trouble?"

"I fly this bitch through black holes, Morty! This isn't even a spring breeze!" Rick replied.

Somewhere ahead of them—it was impossible to say exactly how far in the vastness of space—a light flashed momentarily. Morty was about to ask what is was when a brighter, longer lasting glow erupted off the starboard side of the ship. This flash was impressive enough to catch Summer's attention, too.

"Whoa, it's like a rave out there," Summer said.

Rick snorted. "First of all, what you call a rave, I call playing flashlight tag. Secondly, show the confluence of dimensions a-and all the cool shit they bring some re-respect."

"Are those lights the cool shit, because we could have just stayed on Earth and-"

Something streaked past the ship, burning bright white. "Wow, that looked _really_ close!"

"Yeah, some of it c-comes in really hot. And some of it just floats around all _Thus Spoke Zarathustra_. Depends on the home universe exit velocity, I guess," Rick replied nonchalantly.

"Oh my God, this was such a bad idea, we're gonna get killed with space garbage or vibrated to death before we ever get to the computer store Rick imagined when he was drunk!" Summer cried.

Morty was just about to agree with his sister when something dead ahead gave him a spark of hope. Again, because being in space was even worse than being in open ocean for lack of reference points, it was difficult to say they were headed for a decent-sized planet far away and not a shitty meteor right around the corner. Morty poignantly remembered Tiny Planet and smacking directly into it.

But he crossed his fingers and prayed they were almost somewhere solid and stable.

Because all this vibrating was really starting to get to him.

Like, _really_.

In his pants.

A lot.

"Jesus, relax. We'll be there in thirty seconds. I'm sure you've both got enough experience to hold it off that long," Rick said.

As the ship made its final approach to what did indeed turn out to be a planet of rocky origin and not just a stupid asteroid, the shaking died down to non-stimulating levels. Morty and Summer were careful to avoid looking at each other as the ship descended. They stared out separate sides of the ship, each trying to get a better fix on the terrain below them.

"What is this place?" Summer asked.

"The only planet anywhere in the system. Which is why it's the space version of the Pacific garbage patch. A-a lot of the shit floating around tends to wind up here eventually. Makes it a great place to shop."

"Ugh, I should've known it wasn't a real store with air conditioning and customer service."

"Do you _like_ waiting six hours to buy a phone plan from an asshole in a blue shirt, Summer? Is that how you want to spend your life?!" Rick demanded.

"No, but I don't have to wade through garbage from other universes! I can sit down on an actual chair," Summer replied.

"Come on, Summer, it could be fun. Maybe-maybe we'll find some neat stuff," Morty said.

"And maybe we'll all get space AIDS from another dimension's dirty needles and-"

"Everybody shut up before I leave you here and tell your parents you ran off with a traveling band of Peruvian flute players!" Rick shouted. "Summer, stay here if you want. See if I give a shit. Just don't touch anything. I finally found a radio station that works in the Triangulum Galaxy and I don't want it replaced with the Bieb."

"No way, the last time you left me in the car, I saw a melted baby and spider monsters."

"And she ruined ice cream," Morty added.

"I also ensured peace between humans and spider-kind! Why don't I get any credit for that?"

"Because that ice cream was top 10 in the multi-verse and now it's like bottom four! Fuck peace! Ice cream is there for you when peace treaties inevitably get turned into toilet paper," Rick said.

"That's-"

The ship landed with a jolting bump. Arguments about the value of dairy treats over peace treaties were stowed as Summer and Morty waited for Rick to release them into the interstellar junkyard.

"B-before anybody goes anywhere, remember the atmosphere is thinner out there than on Earth. You can still breathe, Morty, so don't worry. It's like being on Denali. It's a mountain, Morty! In Alaska! No, it's not the highest mountain on Earth. Y-you know what? Go crazy, Morty! Jump around in the low oxygen environment and see what happens."

Rick opened the ship's hatch, releasing its crew into the wild. Morty took a deep breath of alien air and found it not a whole lot different from Earth air. He thought it maybe gave him a weird taste at the back of his throat, but that could have easily been his imagination.

"See, Morty? You can live here without supplemental oxygen so long as you don't overexert yourself. Now help grandpa dismember some robots."

"Sure, Rick, where- Wait, what?!"

"Don't worry, Morty, they're really actually robots. Not bureaucrats or any other metaphors. That's where we're getting the parts for your computers. From highly advanced robots that came from another dimension."

"Uh..."

"They're dead. The robots. They're not gonna care. We just need a few complete helmets, or even broken ones with intact circuits, and I can make great computers. The best."

"You're really selling that hard, Rick," Morty said.

"Because you're always a pussy about robots, Morty! Believe me, I've been harvesting parts off them for months. They came hurtling from another universe, and most of them are nuts and bolts and not much else. I'll show you, you little robo-PETA pain in my ass."

Rick stomped away from the ship. Summer shrugged and followed him. Morty hemmed and hawed and weighed his hormones against his PTSD. The thought of being bereft of a computer while Rick and Summer had access to all the perverted wonders of the universe finally pushed him. Making a high-pitched groan until the thin atmosphere wore him down, Morty chased after his family.

Luckily for Morty, the path to Rick's secret store of robot parts was mostly downhill. He managed to catch up to Summer and Rick without popping a lung, passing out from hypoxia, or puking all over himself. Though it was close on the last one.

"Y-you're such a good listener, Morty. Don't overexert yourself! Remember me saying that five minutes ago? How much are you gonna be able to carry now?"

Morty, bent over with his hands on his knees, was too busy panting to reply to Rick's bitching. Said bitching continued all the while Morty was trying to catch his breath, and didn't end until well after Morty was able to stand up and walk again.

Eventually, Rick had to stop his kvetching and save his breath for the crater wall in front of him. On past treks, he'd been at least pleasantly buzzed and not entirely aware of how climbing the crater felt like scaling the peak of Everest. This time, he'd been too busy yelling at his grandkids to get drunk and therefore felt the stitch in his side and the burn in his lungs as his geriatric body struggled to suck oxygen from the starved planet.

"M-Morty, can you still transform into a car? I removed it after you almost crushed several of your classmates? Shit, that would be so useful right now."

By the time they reached the top of the crater, the three of them were dizzy, weak in the knees, and missing the sweet, sweet twenty-one percent oxygen content of home. They each collapsed into the rocky soil, gasping.

"It's cool, we can just slide down," Rick said once the spots disappeared from his eyes. He inched over the lip of the crater and went sledding.

"I'm _so_ happy I wore white pants," Summer replied. Nevertheless, she followed Rick's lead.

Rick dusted himself off and looked around. "Huh."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Summer asked. She tried to see what caught Rick's attention and couldn't see anything except a bunch of stupid rocks.

"This is definitely the right crater. Look, here's the flask I lost last time I was here. Guess it's a lot easier to find stuff when you're sober."

"That's great! Let's get the robots and get out of here so I can wash my pants!"

"That's the 'huh.' They should be scattered all around here." Rick began to wander deeper into the crater. "Oh..."

"Oh what?" Morty asked.

"Oh, shit."

"Grandpa Rick, can you please just finish a sentence!" Summer yelled.

"The robots are gone but these footprints definitely match them and they're fresh. Fuck. We're gonna have to leave this reality and find a new one. Let's go home and get your mom."

Summer's mouth fell open. "W-w-what?!"

"Yeah, I wasn't super upfront about the robots. They're Cybermen, part of a collective that makes U-Unity seem like a real lone wolf. Any universe that has them usually doesn't have much of anything else, at least when it comes to higher intelligence. I thought they were all harmless and deactivated, I screwed up, I'll admit it."

"S-so we have to stop them! Rick, I don't want to move to another universe and have to bury myself again!" Morty began to hyperventilate.

"Alright, Morty, calm down. We'll try your way first. I've probably got a spare neutrino bomb on the ship. If we can blow them all up before they spread, we'll be okay."

Morty and Summer were already scrambling up the crater, kicking scree loose in their desperate climb. Rick sighed and fished a flask from his lab coat. He drank as he sedately followed his grandchildren.

None of them noticed the blue police box careening madly through the sky.

* * *

TBC

Author's List O' References:

In the before-times (1960-1980), eight tracks were music-playing cartridges that predated casettes and CDs.

Rube Goldberg machines are absurdly complicated devices that do simple things, like 50 steps to crack an egg.

Steve Jobs is most likely not a zombie and iZombie has nothing to do with Apple.

Sarah Connor and Skynet are from the _Terminator_ franchise.

 _Thus Spoke Zarathustra_ (Also known as _Also sprach Zarathustra)_ is music from _2001: A Space Odyssey._

The Pacific garbage patch is a huge vortex of humanity's crap that ended up coalescing in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

Denali is the highest mountain in North America.


	2. Grumpy Old Men

Thanks for the reviews, favs, follows, and stopping by to read!

* * *

Just as he knew he would, Rick found his grandchildren collapsed in a heap, too exhausted and short of breath to stand. Summer had managed to prop herself up against a boulder, but Morty was sprawled out, his chest heaving and his eyes starting to look glassy.

"Grandpa," Summer gasped. "How are you not dying?"

"Well, Summer, I went through Aesop's Fables until I found a pertinent lesson," Rick replied.

"Uh..."

Rick rolled his eyes. "Do you see any foxes eating grapes or geese laying golden eggs? Jesus Christ, Morty, stop looking, of course you goddamn don't! I was referring to the tortoise and the hare! Grandpa knows how to handle a low-oxygen environment, and it isn't by running uphill!"

"Is it by drinking?" Summer asked.

Rick flashed his middle finger at his grandkids. "If you can't listen, stay here and wait for the Cybermen. M-maybe they can teach you how to be less stupid, but I doubt it. You'll probably just shit all over the Cyberiad."

Summer crossed her arms and leaned harder into the boulder she'd been resting against. "Maybe we will."

"Yeah, except for a pile of reasons, none of them altruistic or implying you're special or couldn't be replaced, I can't let you be lazy, pathetic pieces of shit. So get up before-"

"LOOK OUT!" Summer suddenly screamed, pointing at something behind Rick.

Rick hadn't survived war with intergalactic governments _and_ councils composed of douchier versions of himself with worse hair by ignoring warnings like that. Even if Summer had been screwing with him, it was safer to hit the dirt unnecessarily, live, and ensure against future embarrassment with a well-aimed laser gun.

Rick's doubts were assuaged when Summer scrabbled into the dust next to him. She'd never risk tearing her top unless her life was on the line. Summer covered her head with her arms and even Morty managed to dig up enough energy to flop onto his belly and crawl next to her.

Something large and traveling at a high rate of speed barreled through the space Rick's head had been occupying. It passed over Summer and Morty, clipped the top of Summer's boulder, and struck the ground. The mysterious projectile's crash landing threw up a massive cloud of dirt and small rocks that rained down on the humans.

"Oh my God, what was that?" Summer screamed.

"You were the one facing it," Rick replied. "You tell me."

"I think it was blue?" Morty said.

"Wow, that really narrows it down, thanks Morty! It could be anything from your balls after a Jessica encounter to a Meeseeks, but at least we know it's not an orange. So, you know, g-good job."

"It was a flying blue box!" Summer exclaimed. "With windows and a light on top!"

Rick slapped a hand to his forehead. "It didn't say 'police box' on it, did it?"

"I think it had words on it, but I was too busy not getting killed to read them," Summer replied.

"It doesn't really m-matter. It's not like it's going to say 'free defraculator' or anything."

"So you know what that thing is?" Summer asked.

"Unfortunately."

"Can it help us with the robots?" Morty asked.

"The guy inside will think he can. If he's alive. Which he might not be, judging from the landing."

"Should we find out?"

Rick shook some dust and grit out of his hair. "Why do we always answer a distress signal?"

"So you can bang Unity?" Summer suggested.

"Come on, I taught you this! If they're dead, you get free shit!"

"It didn't look big enough to have that much free shit," Summer said doubtfully. "Or a guy. Unless he's really tiny or the box is magic or something."

Rick snorted. "Yeah, don't mention that if the asshole inside is alive. Also, don't ask his name or comment about his scarf/bowtie/celery/teeth/coat of many colors/any other weird and obvious conversation piece."

"So he's a...vegan fashionista with bad teeth?" Summer asked. "I want to meet him."

"You're saying that now," Rick muttered. "Spend five minutes with him and you'll miss the charms of G-gazorpazorp."

Rick and Summer got to their feet. Their combined verbal abuse got Morty on his. He was still having trouble breathing, but had recovered the bare minimum required to move again.

The blue box had dug a sizable crater into the earth. The larger particulate it had thrown up into the atmosphere had settled back, but finer dust still drifted around the crash site. Rick pulled his shirt over his mouth and nose to act as filter while his grandchildren coughed. He finally got tired of their stupidity, elbowed both of them, and showed them how to prevent black lung in space.

"It looks like it's made of wood. How is it not smashed up?" Summer asked.

"Easy. It's not made of wood," Rick replied. He climbed atop the capsized box and started kicking the doors. "If you're alive, open up."

There was no immediate response so Rick stomped down a few more times. "If you're dead, I'm coming in, chilling in your pool and taking your shit."

"There's a pool in there?!" Morty said. "I wish we had a pool."

The door Rick wasn't standing on dropped open. A single hand shot out and flailed around, clasping at the air. A cloud of smoke accompanied it.

Summer and Morty clambered onto the box. They peered down, expecting to see a floor perhaps five feet down. Instead, they saw something that, even given the truly insane shit they'd seen accompanying Rick around the Central Finite Curve, managed to break through the ennui of alien worlds and race wars over nipples.

The deceptively tiny box was anything but. Inside, it contained, besides a pool they couldn't see, a bleeding man desperately trying not to die, a control panel, showers of sparks, and a spreading fire. Through the smoke, Summer and Morty could also make out halls branching away to rooms unseen, implying the magic box was crazy huge.

"My shoes are catching!" the man dangling in the doorway shouted.

"Oh, crap, s-sorry!" Morty and Summer grabbed the man's arms and pulled. Rick stood back, watching them grunt and struggle with the weight for about thirty seconds, before sighing and reaching down to grab the man's...magician coat. By their powers combined, they were able to haul the man from the crash.

The second he was removed from the box, the man dug his boots, which really were smoldering, into the dirt. Now that his toes were no longer in danger, he looked around, taking in his rescuers and his new environment.

"Y-you okay?" Mort asked.

"My feet are a bit blistered, and I'm sure the smoke inhalation-"

"You're alive and not in a burn unit. You're fine," Rick interrupted.

The man glared at Rick. "Yes, I'm fine."

"I'm Morty, this is my sister Summer, and that's my grandpa Rick. Uh, we're from Earth. We have a mom and a dad there, too. We used to have a-a dog, but-"

"Jesus, Morty, why don't you tell him about where you go to school and where you take a shit, too?" Rick asked.

"Right, very nice to meet most of you, I'm the Doctor," the man said.

"Doc-" Morty began, only to have Rick clamp a hand over his mouth.

"I told you not to talk about his name! Every time I've met him, it's the same shtick, and I'm not listening to it again!"

The Doctor squinted at Rick. "I've met countless beings across my regenerations, and sustained a record number of head injuries that may have taken some of those encounters, but I think I'd remember someone like _you_."

Rick replied, "And I've met 'you' in no less than eight realities, heard about you in ten times that many, and escaped your 'benign dictatorship' in one."

"Wow, t-that's a lot of air quotes," Morty noticed.

"My _what_?"

"When people try to save the universe, especially when they have an emo streak, it tends to lead there eventually. Either there, or, you know, full-on Thanos."

"I would never!" the Doctor protested.

"Yeah, and I would never create a shitty galactic government, but _I_ did."

The Doctor shook his head as though clearing the cobwebs. "Let me be perfectly clear. You are telling me you regularly undertake the insanely dangerous task of traveling to other dimensions, where you've met alternative versions of me?"

"And at least one of them was a marginally nicer space Hitler," Rick added. "Yep."

"I don't believe it. Regular trips between dimensions, opening _any_ breach between them, can shatter reality like a pane of glass!" the Doctor exclaimed. "If you're bloody clever enough to invent interdimensional travel, you should be clever enough not to use it."

"Or c-clever enough to neutralize any broader effects on the connected dimensions, limiting the opening to just the portal and then completely closing it again. Until you find out that dimension sucks just as much as the one you came from, so you go back," Rick replied.

The Doctor said, "I've personally seen-"

"I'll prove it. Mathematically."

"I'm watching."

"Great."

"Fantastic."

"Molto bene."

"T-That used to be mine! How-"

"Haha, told you I'd met you before. Now shut up and ch-check me out!"

While the Doctor and Rick hunkered together and Rick drew shapes and numbers and shit in the dirt that Morty couldn't hope to identify in a million years, Morty became aware of a noise. A steady, monotonous, almost pneumatic noise that, after a few seconds of listening, Morty decided was definitely coming closer.

"Does-does anyone else hear that?" Morty asked quietly, afraid to interrupt Rick, who was gesticulating at his now sprawling formula and smiling triumphantly.

"-And then I told him I used to wear blue pants-"

"Grandpa Rick..."

"Of course that wasn't the real story; do I look like I come from J19 Zeta 7?"

"Summer?"

"What, Morty? Hey, what's going-?" Summer's eyes bulged and her mouth fell open. Wordlessly she lifted a finger and pointed behind Morty.

Morty turned his head and discovered a huge metal man standing behind him. Simultaneously, Morty and Summer screamed, "RICK!"

Rick and the Doctor jerked away from the space math and focused on the freaking teens. Morty and Summer, by that point, had commenced running toward Rick's ship, low oxygen be damned. The Doctor reached into his jacket, pulled out his sonic screwdriver and aimed it at the Cyberman.

"You're gonna fight it with a vibrator?" Rick laughed. "No, I know what that is, have fun with your pussy non-lethal."

While wondering what sort of depraved lunatic he shared a planet with, the Doctor buzzed the Cyberman with the screwdriver. It froze where it stood for a few seconds, then fell over backwards.

Rick applauded. "Way to pass the buck, Doc. Give it a little sonic Tase, knock it out for what, two or three minutes, and then it's back on the attack."

The Doctor grabbed Rick's lab coat. "It's the best I can do at the moment. I left my glitter gun in the TARDIS."

"I've got a neutrino bomb in my ship and I can do this right now." Rick retrieved a compact laser gun from his jacket pocket and blasted a perfect hole in the fallen Cyberman's chest.

"Y-you're welcome. Now let's go find my grandkids before they run right into a Cyber conversion factory."

The Doctor followed Rick mutely, trying to process what he'd seen since escaping the TARDIS. He understood how he'd crashed on this planet—it wasn't the first time he'd flown too close to a wormhole—but he could not understand what Rick and a pair of kids were doing there. He couldn't understand _anything_ about Rick, for that matter. And as for the Cybermen, the Doctor had no idea where they'd come from, but he knew, for the sake of this universe, he had to stop them.

Which, if Rick's blaster kept up, wouldn't be all that difficult.

Again, a power walk proved superior to balls-to-the-wall sprinting. Rick and the Doctor, still breathing normally, found and overtook Summer and Morty fifty yards from Rick's ship. They were both looking a little blue around the gills from oxygen deprivation and Morty was, at that moment, retching from sheer exhaustion.

"Gross, Morty, don't barf like a freshman," Rick said.

Morty managed to avoid vomiting but couldn't stay on his feet. He collapsed and moaned like a dying walrus.

Rick grabbed his groaning grandson's ankles. "I don't have time for you to die right now, Morty. Summer, can you walk or do you need the British alien to carry you?"

"I got this," Summer replied. With that sorted out, Rick began dragging Morty.

Twenty feet from the ship, Summer yelped and stomped on something that skittered in front of her. Whatever she had attempted to squash wasn't fazed by a human foot, and zipped away unharmed.

"Ew, that bug was bigger than the roaches in dad's apartment!" Summer cried.

"Cybermat," the Doctor said. "A tool used by the Cybermen to-"

Rick dropped Morty and sprinted for his ship. He arrived to see another large silver arthropod drop from the vehicle and scurry away on numerous metal legs. Rick blasted the bug to shrapnel and threw open the driver's side door.

His ship had been gutted. Pieces were missing from the control panel, wires were dangling, and even the system for adjusting the seats had been picked over like a carcass on the Savannah. Rick slammed the door and ran to the hood. He popped that and examined the interior. The Microverse battery was still intact, as far as Rick could tell without having to venture inside and deal with Zeep's bullshit, but all the cables connected to it had been snipped away.

"Shit!" Rick shouted. He closed the hood and opened the trunk. The neutrino bomb sat there untouched. Rick sighed with relief and reached for the bomb, intending to wrangle it out of the trunk and onto the ground. He found the task several hundred pounds easier than expected.

"We're boned," Rick said to whoever it was who'd just walked up beside him.

"They harvested your ship for parts?" the Doctor asked.

"And the neutrino bomb. Goddamn it, we should have just left when we had the chance! Now we can't even blow up the planet!"

"My ship will eventually repair itself. A TARDIS is organic and this isn't the first time it's been on fire," the Doctor said. "If we can survive the Cybermen long enough-"

"I don't want to ride in your stupid ship because time travel is a bullshit plot device that can't decide which rules it wants to follow and invents new ones whenever they change writers!" Rick exclaimed, kicking his dismembered ship. "It's a weak deus ex machina and you can shove it up your ass!"

The Doctor was rarely struck speechless, but it was taking him a moment to return fire on Rick's rant. While the Time Lord brooded a defense on the beauty of time travel, Summer and Morty finally arrived.

"Why can't we just portal home?" Summer asked.

"Because this entire area of the galaxy is more unstable than Charlie Sheen on a cocaine bender. Instead of the garage, we could end up walking into the blender dimension."

"I-I don't wanna get killed by robots, Rick," Morty said. "What are we gonna do?"

The Doctor said, "Before we rush into the situation, does anyone care to explain exactly what it is? I understand Cybermen well enough—I've encountered them across two universes and most of my regenerations—but what is their connection to you and to this planet?"

Rick threw his arms in the air. "Okay, gather 'round for one-hundred percent full disclosure. Broken Cybermen have been falling on this planet, along with tons of other shit, with no help from me. And I've been using them because their circuits are like iPhones when everything else is a Nokia from 1994. I brought my grandkids here after Morty killed his computer with alien porn so I could collect parts and make them better computers."

"You risked everyone's life so you could build a computer for your grandson?" the Doctor asked.

"Yeah, and granddaughter. But, eh, screw it, here's the real full disclosure I promised. Grandpa's been using the parts he's gotten in the past for more than s-sweet VR headsets and haptic codpieces."

The Doctor closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Whatever he was about to hear—and what he'd just heard—would no doubt cause every past Doctor to cringe in sympathy.

A suction cup firmly attached to the Time Lord's forehead, right between his oft-angry eyebrows. He started and swatted at the object that was suctioned onto his head. The suction cup came off after a brief struggle with a _pop_. Once the cup was removed, the Doctor followed the cord trailing from it.

It led to one of the most outlandish and unnecessary cybernetic augmentations the Doctor had ever encountered. He'd seen his fair share of augmented brains, prosthetic limbs, and hairpieces, but Rick had somehow and some-why replaced his flesh-and-blood left arm with what amounted to an ostentatious toy.

"You purloined Cyberman remains to build that?" the Doctor scoffed. "Why don't you just nick blocks from the Pyramids to build your outhouse?"

"Because each block weighs two tons," Rick deadpanned. "What, you wanted a j-joke? Tough shit."

Rick reeled in the suction cup and returned his arm to its normal appearance. "If you're not impressed by that—and I can tell you're not—I've done a lot of internal work, too. Brain, heart, lungs, liver. The liver really needed it."

The heavy thumping that they now identified as approaching Cyber footsteps interrupted Rick's list of extreme body modification.

The Doctor turned towards the approaching pair of Cybermen and smiled wryly. "It looks like they may want that liver back."

* * *

TBC

List o' References!

Aesop's Fables are a collection of short tales, usually with moral lessons. They include famous ones such as the tortoise and the hare, which advises that slow and steady can win the race, especially when your faster opponent is a lazy a-hole who is overconfident and likes napping. The fox and the sour grapes and the goose with the golden eggs are also attributed to Aesop.

Black lung is a respiratory condition usually seen in coal miners.

Thanos is a villain from the Marvel universe who most famously wrecked up shit in _Avengers: Infinity War_ and second most famously, in a comic, harassed Spider-Man while flying a helicopter.

A glitter gun is a weapon that fires gold dust, which Cybermen are weak to.


	3. There was a Firefight!

Thanks so much to everyone who read, reviewed, followed, and favorited!

* * *

Rick blasted the pair of luckless Cybermen and then proceeded to verbally abuse their smoldering corpses with some of the most creatively vulgar language the Doctor had heard in all of time and space. He then returned to physical abuse, shooting the corpses a few more times. While blowing additional holes in the fallen cyborgs, Rick heaped more indignities upon them.

"Is this typical behavior?" the Doctor asked Morty.

"Yeah, m-more or less. I've heard worse," Morty replied, watching his grandpa continue to desecrate the bodies.

Rick invited the deceased Cybermen to lick his balls and then ran out of oxygen for insults or injuries. Huffing and panting like he'd run a 5K, Rick returned his blaster to his pocket.

"I hope you found that cathartic," the Doctor commented.

Rick grabbed his crotch. "You can lick my balls, s-since those assholes are too busy imitating a Kennedy."

The Doctor took a deep, calming breath and managed to avoid introducing Rick and his balls to a little Venusian karate. "Do you have a plan beyond making inappropriate comments and shooting any Cybermen that wander this way? Because Cybermen are perhaps the most adaptable species in _my_ universe, and I doubt yours will be any different. They will eventually become a threat, if they aren't already planning something as we speak."

"As a matter of fact, I do," Rick replied. He walked over to the sad shell of his ship, plopped down, and pulled out his flask. "I'm going to do those things you mentioned and d-drink."

Morty looked up at the Doctor. "D-do you have better plans?"

Rick snorted. "Yeah, Morty, why don't you just a-ask him to go ba-back in time and stop Cybermen from ever existing? Oh, wait, I'm sure there's some dipshit reason he c-can't."

"Like my TARDIS being on fire?" the Doctor asked.

Rick waved his flask around. "Besides that."

"What about this?" Summer suggested. "We take Grandpa Rick's gun and hunt the robots down? He can stay here and keep being an alcoholic."

Rick belched so loudly it echoed. "G-great plan, Summer. Except this is nowhere near enough booze, you'll hike up one ridge and then collapse, and I'm keeping this gun because the Cybermen will do more damage with my b-brain than with any of yours."

"I was going to be the most efficient Cyber-Planner ever!" the Doctor blurted out petulantly.

"Yeah, _was_ ," Rick replied, smirking. He took another drink.

"W-what do you mean, Rick? Why would robots steal your brain? O-or his?" Morty asked.

The Doctor explained, "Cybermen expand their numbers by converting compatible lifeforms. Humans are a favorite, and the reason your grandfather was able to...upgrade...himself with their remains. As for the Cyber-Planner-"

"They usually go the Jacko route, but the only kids' brains h-handy belong to you two," Rick cut in.

"I'd be a good Cyber-Planner," Summer said. "I helped organize the school play."

"I-I-I might be wrong, but I think it takes a little m-more than that to run the Cyber empire."

"And how could _you_ do it, Grandpa? You'd turn everyone into a drunk, irresponsible sex addict. That's what you do to hive-minds," Summer retorted.

Morty sighed. "I already know I wouldn't be good at it."

"You don't want to be good at it!" the Doctor shouted.

"Then M-Morty's perfect for that job. Duck."

Before the Doctor could process the non-sequitur at the end of Rick's insult, a laser beam hissed past his head nearly close enough to singe hair. The Time Lord instinctively dropped, far too late to do any good if Rick had been aiming for him.

The Cyberman that Rick _had_ been aiming for emitted a shower of sparks from the brand-new hole in its shoulder but didn't fall. A human would have been overcome with pain—and splashing blood all over the place—but the stoic cyborg did nothing except raise its uninjured arm and point it at Rick.

Rick fired again, without having time to aim, and punched a chunk out of the Cyberman's abdomen. The damage looked catastrophic but the Cyberman showed no reaction.

"Oh, shit."

The Doctor tackled Rick a second before the Cyberman's energy weapon would have blown his head off, making the Doctor, once again, the owner of the most desirable brain. The blast instead pulverized one of the trash cans that served a dubious purpose on Rick's ship, throwing shards of hot metal in every direction. Morty and Summer covered their heads and screamed as fragments pelted them.

"This is why binge drinking and hunting should remain separate sports," the Doctor muttered, wrestling the laser gun from Rick.

"Believe me," Rick said, watching the Doctor dispatch the resilient robot, "I'm much steadier when I'm drunk."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Doctor said, lowering the laser gun. Rick snatched it back and pocketed it.

"So are we," Summer said. She and Morty both sported holes burned into their shirts from the super-heated bin remnants. "And you owe me a new top, Grandpa."

"Me?! The stupid Cyberman did it!" Rick protested.

"And the friends of that stupid Cyberman will do much worse if we continue ignoring them until they're on our doorstep," the Doctor said. "We need to stop bickering and start cooperating before you lose your universe."

"I can get a new universe," Rick replied.

"I-I don't want a new universe," Morty said. "It's sad and gross and r-really weird when we have to move."

"Yeah, Morty told me about that. I'm not doing it," Summer agreed. "Come on, Grandpa Rick, you fought the galactic government and won. Robots should be easy."

"Ugh, fine. Let's all hold hands and sing _Kumbaya_ and not let the universe get assimilated into the Cyberiad. Happy?"

"Excellent. Now, do you have any idea how many Cybermen we're dealing with?" the Doctor asked.

"Nope."

"Can you estimate?"

"Not a chance."

"But you've been grave-robbing-"

"It's not grave-robbing if they're not buried."

"Been _looting_ their bodies long enough to transform yourself into half a Cyberman."

"They're all from one crater on a Mercury-equivalent planet that is c-constantly showered with shit from other dimensions. The core of the planet could be one-hundred p-percent Cybermen for all I know."

The Doctor ran a hand through his hair. "Why didn't you care to check?"

"Because they were in pieces! I didn't think there was a chance they'd ever be r-repaired and become a thorn way up in my a-ass!"

"Fine, how many _pieces_ were in the _crater_?" the Doctor asked.

"Hundreds. And before you ask me to gue-guesstimate how many full Cybermen that equals, save me the b-bullsht. It wasn't like the crater was full of heads and arms. The bodies were about as incomplete as Morty's math homework."

The Doctor threw up his arms in surrender. "We'll just assume it's an army of Cybermen. _What do we do about them_?"

"I was really hoping to just keep p-playing Duck Hunt, but, hey, they don't feel pain or fear d-death and either of those things makes my grandkids pee their pants. So...let's blow them up," Rick replied.

"You said they dismantled your neutrino bomb," the Doctor pointed out.

"Yeah, Bono, they did. But if I can make a functional power-suit out of rats or w-wood, I can kludge a bomb together out of robots. I just need enough parts to work with, especially any power units or weaponry circuits."

"How did you make a suit out of rats? How many did it take? Why would anyone-"

"D-don't worry about it. The point was, I can take shit and make new shit out of it. Come on, before any more of them show up."

Rick started walking away from the sad, smoking remains of his ship. Morty was instantly by his side.

"Wh-where are we going?" Morty asked.

Rick pointed to the collection of Cybermen bodies that had begun to pile up. "Grandpa needs to dissect some robots so he can b-blow up the planet."

"That's great and everything, Grandpa Rick, except we're still _on_ the planet," Summer said from Rick's opposite side. "And if everybody's spaceship is broken, how are we going to get off? Oh my God, are you going to blow us up, too?"

"No, Summer, Jesus! Ugh, I already heard his bullshit and told him where he could shove his time-traveling blue plot-hole. Go talk to him about it!"

Summer dropped away from Rick and appeared parallel to the Doctor. "Your ship was on fire, how's it going to help us?"

"My ship is a living being that can heal from far worse," the Time Lord responded. "I have no idea what drives your grandfather's vendetta against it, but-"

"Go back in time and shove Hitler's head up his ass. Way up there."

"It's an appealing idea on the surface-"

"Let me guess, but Hitler's ass is a fixed point, or it'll destabilize the time line, or-"

"Of course it would destabilize the time line! Do you have any idea how expansive the effects of-"

"See why I don't deal with time travel? Every time you want to shove a dictator's head w-way up his ass, you can't do it."

"If you didn't travel back in time, where did Lincler's DNA come from?" Summer asked.

The Doctor prepared to ask who or what Lincler was, but decided to hold his question. He knew he wouldn't get anything straight from Rick, but could probably parcel an answer together from the conversation.

Rick said, "The Hitler half came from a reality where _The Boys from Brazil_ was non-fiction. Lincoln's body i-is really easy to find in this reality. Oh, and for everybody who missed that episode, I-I tried to make a morally neutral super leader. It sucked. He was lame."

"Out of Hitler and Lincoln?" the Doctor asked.

"Y-yeah, thought I was pretty clear of that."

" _Why_?"

"Same reason I do most of my shit. It was a Friday night and I was bored a-and it seemed like a good idea at the time."

The Doctor leaned in close to Rick, so Morty and Summer wouldn't be privy. "I never thought I'd have to say this to a human, but I think you would have a stronger sense of morality as a Cyberman."

Rick chuckled. "Probably, b-but never gonna happen, baby! Okay, we definitely shot this one too many times. And those two are even s-shittier. I can maybe salvage some of this firing mechanism. Hey, give me your sonic sex toy."

"Not if you're going to keep referring to it like that," the Time Lord replied.

"Fine, give me your m-magic wand, Harry Pain-in-the-Ass."

"That's no more than ten percent better."

"Morty, get in here and jam your little M-morty fingers under this connector here."

"Not even I'm that irresponsible with children." The Doctor slapped the sonic screwdriver into Rick's palm. "Don't break it."

Rick fiddled with the sonic screwdriver before plying it to the Cyberman's corpse. After some finagling, Rick triumphantly held up a small mechanism. "If I can stuff a c-couple dozen of these in the neutrino bomb shell, supercharge them with the Microverse battery, it m-might be enough to crack this planet. Could depend on whether the planet has a molten mantle and tectonic plates."

The Doctor furrowed his eyebrows at the mechanism. "A couple dozen?"

"G-give or take. Guess I better hold onto your pocket r-rocket."

"I'll lend it as necessary," the Doctor said dryly, reclaiming his sonic.

The now-familiar heavy mechanical goosestep announced more Cybermen had come to throw their lives away. It sounded like significantly more than a lone ranger or intrepid pair. Rick forgot about the sonic that couldn't kill anything unless it was chucked at a bug or very weak mouse and pulled out his lethal laser.

"It's gonna be necessary r-really soon."

"Oh geez, that-that's a lot of them!" Morty cried.

"Grandpa Rick, you're going to need some help and I want to kill robots, too," Summer said.

"Uh-huh, there's a nice r-rock, try to softball pitch at them," Rick replied.

Summer scoffed. "I throw overhand." She grabbed the round stone Rick had indicated and lobbed it at the advancing squadron of Cybermen. To everyone's shock, she smashed the leader on the head hard enough to make it momentarily falter.

"Shit, g-get my granddaughter more rocks!"

The Cyberman recovered from the blow to the head, but neither it nor its compatriots advanced. They stood in two perfect, identical lines of silver soldiers.

"What are they doing?" Morty asked anxiously.

"T-they're trying to psych us out, Morty! They think they can intimidate us by-"

The Cyberman Summer had beaned stepped forward. "Do not resist. Humans will be upgraded."

"Upgrade this!" Rick dropped his pants and mooned the Cybermen.

By exposing his pasty old-man ass to the gathered Cybermen, Rick inadvertently(ish) exposed his pasty old-man genitalia to his grandkids and the Doctor. Summer and Morty recoiled, shouting "gross!" and "Grandpa, no!" while the Doctor was stuck, frozen in horror like a quantum-locked weeping angel.

The energy blasts that nearly blew holes number two, three, and four into Rick's ass convinced him to secure his trousers and keep his eyes on his enemy.

While Rick fumbled for his laser pistol, Summer returned fire with another rock. This one _tinked_ off the chest plate of the Cyberman that had spoken. That was the last insult the Cyberman was willing to endure. It aimed its arm at Summer and fired from its wrist-mounted weapon.

Summer shrieked and dove behind the dead Cyberman Rick had dissected. The hefty metal body provided ample shielding.

"I don't have time to find new granddaughters!" Rick shouted. He shot the lead Cyberman, the cyborg next to it, and the poor bastard behind it before the rest of the Cybermen rained electric hell on the small group of humans plus a spare heart.

Rick scrunched himself behind a boulder. Summer remained firmly behind her robot shield. The Doctor and Morty found defilade behind a hump of earth.

"Oh geez, oh geez, oh geez," Morty panted. "W-what are we gonna Rick? I mean, uh, the Doctor?"

The Doctor peeked over the hillock. A Cyberman's blast erased a chunk of soil a foot from his face. The Time Lord ducked down like a startled prairie dog.

"They're tightly clustered. If I reroute the sonic's energy into one electromagnetic pulse, I should be able to disable most, if not all of them," the Doctor said.

As he watched the Doctor modify the sonic screwdriver, Morty said, "You-you know, it's weird to hear science without burps or insults or stuff like that."

The Doctor had to keep note cards to remind himself that humans needed comforting and assurance that nobody would be exterminated or turned to jelly, but even he recognized that speaking his candid thoughts of Rick was not the way to engage Morty. Instead, he mumbled some more science mumbo-jumbo for the boy and finished rerouting the screwdriver's power.

"N-now what?" Morty asked.

"Now we give it to Summer and hope she can lob a roughly cylindrical object as well as she can lob a roughly spherical one," the Time Lord responded.

Summer was too far away to simply be handed the screwdriver, so Morty and the Doctor had to get her attention. Once she was looking at them and not at the laser light show zooming around her, the Doctor shouted an explanation.

"Click it like a pen to activate it, then throw it as near the Cybermen as you can. Don't drop it once it's activated. I don't think it will interfere with human—or Time Lord—neural activity, but I've said that before and woken up six hours later, thinking I was a duck."

"S-so no pressure," Morty added.

"How am I supposed to do anything? I can't wind-up on my stomach!" Summer replied. "And no, I'm not gonna stand up when robots are trying to shoot me!"

"I can distract them," the Doctor said. "As soon as an opening appears, throw-"

"I know how it works."

The Doctor slipped off his jacket and waved it above his head. "Pretend this is a white flag!"

For a few moments the Cybermen attack continued. Then, as one, they stopped firing.

The Doctor hesitantly rose, his jacket clutched in his hand. "Do you know who I am?"

The Cybermen did not exchange confused looks and shrug their shoulders, but neither did they name the Time Lord.

"Regardless of the dimension, I'm the Doctor! And these humans are under my protection! If you continue to-"

The sonic screwdriver dropped just in front of the Cybermen and rolled among their ranks. A second later, it emitted a flash of light and every last Cyberman collapsed.

"I-I was speechifying!" the Doctor complained.

"Yep," Summer said.

Rick popped up from behind his rock and, as quickly as the thin atmosphere would allow, jogged toward the fallen Cyber-squadron. Summer picked up a few baseball-sized rocks and followed after him, ready to peg any Cybermen that recovered before Rick could shoot them.

"Phew, I'm-I'm glad that worked. Sometimes Rick's experiments go...really bad," Morty said.

The Doctor sighed. "I only hope there's some energy left in my- No!"

At the last possible second, the Time Lord had detected movement and turned his head in time to catch the Cyberman as it reached for Morty. Unlike the downright cacophonous models they'd been dealing with thus far that could be heard often before they were seen, this individual had apparently benefited from the death of Rick's ship. Its Tin Man joints had been quieted with rubber or shock absorbers or insulation, making its approach from the rear silent.

There was no time to be gentle about it. The Doctor violently shoved Morty out of the Cyberman's reach, knocking the boy to the ground. The Cyberman clamped down on the Time Lord's forearm instead.

"RUN!" the Doctor shouted. The Time Lord hadn't quite managed to get the whole word out when the Cyberman crushed his arm, the snapping of his radius and ulna even louder than his command.

The one million volts the Cyberman blitzed into the Doctor's body seconds later made the agony in his arm seem insignificant.

* * *

TBC!

List o' References

The Kennedy family tends to suffer from a bad case of premature death and assassination.

Jacko is a nickname for the late Michael Jackson, who was charged with child molestation more often than the average person.

Duck Hunt is an old-school video game where you...hunt ducks. And a dog makes fun of you.

Bono is the lead singer of U2, which had an album titled _How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb_.

 _The Boys from Brazil_ is a novel and later a film about a mad Nazi scientist cloning Hitler.

The Tin Man in _The Wizard of Oz_ was squeaky due to rusty joints.


	4. That's My Line

Thanks so much to everyone who read, reviewed, followed, and favorited!

* * *

Rick heard the Doctor shout at Morty and looked up from his executioner's work among the temporarily offline Cybermen. He was treated to the last few seconds of the Time Lord's electrocution, and then his sobbing, hysterical grandson plowed into him.

"He saved my life and he d-didn't even need my brainwaves and they k-killed him!" Morty cried, burying his face in Rick's lab-coat.

"Morty, you're screwing up my aim! I can't- Never mind, it dropped him. No, don't look, just keep getting mucus _all_ over me."

The moment the Cyberman released the Doctor's limp carcass, Rick blasted the robot. He really didn't get a flying shit if he shot the Doctor, except Morty, already deep into histrionics, would probably have a total meltdown. There was neither time nor oxygen for that.

Rick patted Morty's head. "Don't worry, we got revenge. Now let Grandpa kill the rest of these robots so we can b-blow up this stupid crap planet."

Summer, who had also seen about as much of the attack as Rick, asked, "Are you sure he's dead?"

"It-it broke his arm and zapped him," Morty said.

"Uh-huh, and you can survive both those things. I'm going to go check."

"Have fun," Rick said dismissively.

Summer glanced at the Doctor, laying supine next to the Cyberman that had fried him. Then at the immobilized Cybermen Rick was shooting with all the dispassion of the average death squad. Then at Morty, who was still crying and clinging to Rick like a baby monkey.

"I know CPR!" Summer announced to any and everyone in the vicinity, using that as her warding magic. In movies and hospital dramas, CPR could solve just about any medical emergency. And she'd learned her CPR from a cursed monkey's paw, so that had to count for something cool.

Armed with the belief her magic-endowed CPR would come through for her should the Doctor require it, Summer marched towards the Time Lord. He hadn't moved from the awkward position he'd been dropped in, so that wasn't super promising. Still, Summer held onto hope as she knelt down by the body and...realized she had no freaking idea what to do now. The mechanical acts of pressing down on a chest and breathing into a person had absolutely nothing to do with establishing proof of life.

"Uh... I think you can take a pulse in someone's neck?" Summer asked the universe. Then Summer had a combination "eureka" and "duh" moment. She was making this way harder than it needed to be. Even without a stethoscope, she'd be able to hear a heartbeat by putting her ear to the Doctor's chest.

Summer did just that, placing her head about where she would have placed her hands to perform her beloved CPR. She heard a moment of silence that filled her with dread, then a beat, more silence, another beat quickly followed by two beats, silence, and another beat.

"That's probably not good."

"No," the Doctor croaked.

Summer shrieked, flailing away from the Doctor as quickly as she would from any other zombie.

Back at the site of the ever-growing massacre, Rick jerked away from his latest victim and aimed in Summer's vicinity. "Summer, why is something always trying to grab or molest you?!"

"Everyone's jealous of how hot I am! But it's not that! He's alive!" Summer replied.

"H-hear that, Morty? Your new favorite Vindicator is alive, so you can stop throwing your big pity party now."

The Doctor was alive, but tenuously. One heart was an unmoving dead weight in his chest. The other had no discernible rhythm and was barely pumping enough blood to keep him conscious at all.

Not that he particularly wanted to be conscious just then. His whole body ached from the enormous dose of electricity he'd been given. Some of his muscles continued to spasm and twitch and his left foot still seemed convinced it was tap-dancing. The involuntary muscle contractions, besides being painful on their own, played havoc with his shattered arm. He could feel the bones shift every time the arm moved.

"So...we gotta fix this?" Summer said.

"Both of them," the Doctor confirmed.

"Both of what? Oh, your heart and your arm. Yeah... I don't think CPR can help that."

The Doctor managed a small grin. "No, I meant both of my hearts."

"Oh. Ooh. You have two hearts. I heard one, but is the other one hanging out nearby?"

The Doctor used his good arm—and the last of his energy reserves—to tap his chest over both his hearts. Summer nodded her understanding.

"Got it. Um, which heart should I work on first? Or should I see if Grandpa Rick knows CPR and we can do them-"

"Leave me out of it, Summer! I've got a b-bomb to build and it's not l-like Cybermen are easy to crack open! Stupid sonic strap-on..." Rick's comments dissolved into muttering.

"Oh my God, why is my grandpa the grossest person in the universe?" Summer moaned.

The Doctor silently apologized to his sonic screwdriver for all the abuses it was enduring. There was no living being or inanimate object in the universe that deserved to be that close to Rick for that long.

Shaking off the sheer nastiness of Rick, Summer focused on the Doctor and his hearts.

"Try to stabilize the functioning one first. I can live with one heart, same as you can live with one kidney," the Doctor said.

Summer placed her hands in the correct overlapping position on the Doctor's chest. "Really hope that monkey's paw didn't wear off."

"What?" the Doctor asked.

"Nothing!" She hastily compressed the Time Lord's chest and gave him something else to think about.

As the Doctor was breathing fine, there was no reason for Summer to administer any rescue breaths. She performed the prescribed thirty rapid chest compressions and tried to ignore the grimace the Doctor wore through the whole procedure. There was a reason CPR training was done on dummy torsos that couldn't complain and only performed on people who were probably going to die unless someone intervened.

After the full set of compressions, Summer removed her hands and asked, "Did it work?"

If the goal had been to bruise or possibly break every rib in his body, then yes, it certainly worked! The Doctor had just enough tact not to be that candid. Or rude, as most people liked to call it. Instead he ignored the brand-new ache in his chest and focused on his stuttering heart and its idiot friend.

It was now the stable heart and the sluggish, unmotivated sidekick. The Doctor listened to the steady, happy beat and gave a little friendly encouragement to the under-performing heart.

"Much better," the Time Lord said.

"Awesome, because CPR is way sweatier and less sexy in real life," Summer responded.

The Doctor nodded. With both hearts more-or-less working, his brain and body were getting enough oxygen to function properly. It was time to get out of the dirt and see what horror Rick had cooked up.

"Do you see my jacket?" the Doctor asked.

Summer looked around and found the Doctor's coat. It was dirty but a quick shake took care of that.

"Excellent. I'm going to sit up, hopefully not pass out, and then I'll need your help tying that into a sling."

The Doctor held his fractured right arm as tightly against his body as possible. Then, with Summer shoving against his back, the Doctor propped himself into a sitting position using his left arm for leverage.

"How bad's your arm?" Summer asked as she loosely knotted the jacket.

"I was wondering that myself." The Doctor carefully pushed up his shirtsleeve, exposing skin bruised the deep purple of a plum and swollen to the point he could not fully reveal the injury.

"At least it isn't an open fracture," the Time Lord said. He let the sleeve fall back into place.

"Wow, we're _really_ looking for the positives," Summer muttered. She helped the Doctor slip his broken arm into the sling and then secure it. Once she was sure the sling was knotted and the Doctor's arm wasn't going to fall out, Summer grabbed the Doctor under his good arm and hauled him to his feet.

The world swam for a moment and the Doctor needed to lean against Summer until it settled. Once it did, the Time Lord sought out Rick and Morty. But mostly Rick. Because Morty wasn't an immoral, deranged Davros-level lunatic.

While the Doctor had been busy almost dying, Rick had been busy channeling a combination of his boy K. Michael and Dr. Frankenstein. The entire Cyber squadron had been killed, and most of them had been dismembered for useful parts, and said useful parts stored in a haphazard pile like old recyclables.

"W-welcome back," Rick said as he used the sonic, which was buzzing feebly, to pop the plating off the arm of one of the few remaining Cybermen. He dug around in the wiring and circuitry, pulling crap out of the way, until he liberated the components that could go _boom_.

"I did CPR," Summer announced, puffing her chest out like a great frigatebird.

"Nice. First you s-saved the actual, literal Devil and now a time-traveling douche-bag. Want me to find a dying ISIS c-commander so you can give him the gift of life?" Rick taunted.

"This dimension has an incarnate Devil?" the Doctor asked incredulously. "Not a Beast bound to an impossible planet orbiting a black hole or -"

Rick snorted. "Y-your devil sounds way too _Twilight Zone_. Believe me, this guy was 'incarnate' down to the shitty goatee."

The Doctor perked up. "Goatee?"

"I-it wasn't your buddy. What's his name? The Dominator? The Overlord? The Tiny-Dick-So-I-Need-a-Badass-Name-and-Shtick?"

The Doctor coughed. "He goes by Missy now."

Rick laughed. "Haven't met that one yet. Does Missy still have- still have the goat-"

"No."

"Eh, I'm sure even as a ch-chick, the Master could piss all over the Devil. Standing up."

Everyone besides Rick cringed. Rick shoved past their disgusted faces. He had just finished removing the power generators and weaponry from the last Cyberman in the squadron, and had only one more to tear apart: the advanced model that had cooked the Doctor.

"I-Instead of acting like I called you a glip glop-" The Doctor's mouth fell open at the sheer, wanton vulgarity he was hearing -"why don't you p-pick up that shit and come on? I still need to wire all this to the Microverse battery, if that's even possible, and then drink myself into o-oblivion."

"Hashtag life goals," Summer muttered.

Morty looked at the Cyberman electronics Rick had tossed hither and yon. Then he looked at his hands, which numbered two, and weren't particularly huge or muscular anymore.

"S-Summer? Can you help me carry this stuff?"

Summer groaned. "How much more am I going to have to do today? I already saved someone's life! That should really count for my good deed of the day."

Rick rolled his eyes. "Y-you did one thing, and it wasn't even a good thing! I'm the one b-busting my balls around here, Summer! Everybody who isn't me, pick up some body parts!"

The Doctor adjusted his sling until one of the pockets on his jacket became accessible. "It's been a...fair amount of time since I've bothered to clean out my pockets, but there should still be enough space for everything."

Summer eyed the jacket. "I could probably fit a lip gloss and maybe my phone in there."

"Time Lord tech. Bigger on the inside," the Doctor replied.

Morty was up for the challenge. He jammed a finger, then his hand, this his arm up to the shoulder into the Doctor's pocket. Once Summer's eyes were sufficiently large, he retracted his arm and flexed his fingers.

"Really smart, Morty! Stick your hand in-in some stranger's pocket because he tells you it's bigger on the inside! That's how people get traumatized, Morty! That's how they end up t-touching all kinds of alien dicks!" Rick shouted.

"It's a _jacket_ pocket!' the Doctor protested.

"Yeah, maybe y-you Gallifreyans have dicks there! I don't know! I mean, I know one place you have them, but you've got extra body parts all over the place!"

"Oh look, Morty and I are picking up all the robot parts and we're putting them in the pocket and nobody is going to say anything else about dicks!"

"Penis," Rick said, and snickered.

"Close enough! Grandpa Rick, why don't you go work on that last robot?"

"Because with your luck, the m-minute I turn my back, an assload of those new quiet Cybermen are going to come, kill 1.21 Gigawatts there, and then make me get new grandkids. So stuff that pocket and hurry the b-balls up!"

Summer and Morty grumbled but picked up every last piece of circuitry and packed it into the Doctor's magic pocket. It was like watching clowns pile into a tiny car, or Joey Chestnut inhale hotdogs. As soon as the last circuit was safely homed, the two humans and their Time Lord burro joined Rick in heading towards the final Cyberman.

Rick knelt down besides the dead Cyberman. Various bones and joints creaked. He gave it a quick once-over, mentally comparing it to the dozens of cyborgs he'd taken apart. Externally, it was identical except for a little more bulk at the knees, ankles, and elbows.

"Damn, I need to get me an u-upgrade like that," Rick said, squeaking his old-man body.

After his bones calmed down, Rick plied the sonic screwdriver to the Cyberman. The device gave a single chirp and died in his hand.

"Piece of crap!" Rick threw the sonic over his shoulder and looked for a rock he could bang against the Cyberman.

The Doctor chased after the sonic and caught it in midair. The glare he gave Rick could have shattered diamond. Rick was too busy abandoning any attempt at subtlety to take notice. He couldn't finesse the exact part he wanted from the Cyberman, so he blasted the arm off at the elbow, and then shot off the supererogatory hand.

"We-We'll just jam this in there. It'll fit," Rick said, like the improvised bomb was a stuffed suitcase that would, one way or another, accommodate another pair of trousers.

"That's too wide to fit into my pocket," the Doctor noted.

"Fine, I'll carry it." Rick slung the arm over his shoulder. "Shit, it's heavier than it l-looks."

With all the usable parts finally squared away, everyone hoofed it towards the remains of Rick's ship and the empty bomb housing waiting beside it. The burden of the Cyberman arm, plus the low oxygen, slowed Rick considerably. Despite offers to help from Morty—and one super, totally sincere one from Summer—he told everyone to screw off.

Summer, Morty, and the Doctor arrived at the ship together. Rick, cursing, panting and now dragging the arm, arrived a minute later. The second he was clear, he dropped the arm and collapsed against his ship.

"M-Morty, get the Microverse battery."

The Doctor had seen every sort of battery, from Anulax to zinc-carbon, but he'd never encountered a "Microverse" battery before. As he watched Morty lift the glowing device from the ship, the Doctor grew more and more suspicious. Why had the Cybermats stripped everything else of value but been unable to glean anything useful from battery of all things? What was driving that unusual purple glow? Radiation? Why was the battery the one part of the ship that didn't look like it had been rescued from a rubbish heap? How was it powerful enough to-

"Hey." The severed Cyber arm whapped the Doctor on the back, snapping him out of his think-session. "G-get the shit out of your pocket, HG Wells."

"Not until you explain your battery."

"You've got one functioning arm and you don't kill p-people. I have two arms, a gun, and I don't give a shit if I have to beat you with the Microverse battery and then take that j-jacket."

Morty threw himself between the Doctor and Rick. "It's a-a whole planet in here! Rick made a planet to power his car, and one time we shrunk down and visited it and they have a holiday called Ricksgiving and I had to-to live among the tree people and-"

"Alright, shut up, Morty! He has no idea what the shit you're talking about! Because you couldn't even explain how-how sex works, never mind how something as c-complicated as my Microverse works!"

The Doctor stared at the purple box clutched in Morty's arms as though it has just suggested he have sexual relations with his mother. If Rick had made the claim that there was a populated planet inside the battery, he would have dismissed it. But Morty...quite frankly lacked the capacity to make up a lie that enormous and unfeasible.

"How in the hell did you create a planet capable of sustaining life in there?"

Rick wore one of the top-ten evil grins the Doctor had ever seen. "It's bigger on the inside."

* * *

TBC

Author's Notes (and one life saving tip!):

The current recommendations (which are almost never followed in pop culture) for CPR are cycles of 30 chest compressions and two rescue breaths.

Male great frigatebirds attract mates by inflating large, red skin pouches on their chests.

There are several episodes of _The Twilight Zone_ that deal with the Devil, but none are in space. Likewise, many episodes are in space, but none deal with the Devil.

1.21 gigawatts is the amount of power needed for the time machine in _Back to the Future_.

Anulax batteries are from _Guardians of the Galaxy_.

HG Wells wrote an early novel about time travel.


	5. Grandpa of the Year Award

Thanks for sticking with this fic. Probably looking at one more chapter after this, maybe two. Certainly fewer than ten. I'm utter shit at estimating...

* * *

"Grandpa Rick, we don't have time for an old man slap fight over a stupid box! You two can hate each other later. I want to go home!"

"Yeah, c-come on. Let's-"

"Let's what, Morty? Let's all hold hands and m-make out?" Rick demanded.

"No, let's just do whatever we have to to g-get out of here. Summer's right. We all want to go home."

Rick hefted the severed chunk of Cyber-arm and for a second Morty thought he was going to play Negan with it. Instead of bashing people's brains out, Rick threw the severed limb into the shell of the neutrino bomb, where it made a terrific clang.

"B-before I make this bomb, I want to be sure his ship isn't as shitty as mine. I mean, it's _way_ shittier than mine, because mine is built on constants and science and his is built on whatever-the-fucks. But his was in one piece l-last I checked and mine's boned," Rick said.

Though Morty didn't look forward to hauling the bombshell and the arm all the way to the Doctor's ship, he was relieved that Rick decided not to assemble the bomb until he was sure they had a way off the planet. Rick's neutrino bombs weren't always (or often) the most stable or reliable, and he was going to be using unconventional material. Morty for one didn't want to die before seeing a real-life pair of naked boobies.

"Okay, you made two things into one thing, but how are we going to carry it?" Summer asked.

Rick replied by removing everything of value from his lab coat's pockets and then tying said lab coat around the bomb. The sleeves of the coat acted as two short handles. Rick shook the sleeves at his grandkids.

"M-Morty, put the Microverse battery in here and then help your sister."

Morty looked dubiously at Rick. "Help her do what?"

"Help her pull it, Balto! Wait, t-take off your shirt. Wrap it around the battery. Protect it, Morty, protect it. It took longer to make than you did, Morty. And it was a lot harder, too! A zygote doesn't need to be taught about e-electricity!"

Morty reluctantly obeyed Rick and, after padding the battery with his shirt and nestling it with the arm, took up a sleeve. Summer rolled her eyes and muttered about how she wasn't a pack mule but joined her brother.

"If we're all carrying things, what are you going to do?" Summer asked.

"I'm going to m-make sure we don't all die," Rick replied. He picked up the flask, laser pistol and portal gun he'd tossed out of his lab coat. The flask and portal gun he stashed in the bombshell after taking a quick drink. The laser pistol he held down by his side, ready to aim at any Cyber-threat.

Rick took his place at the head of the caravan and started walking towards the TARDIS. The Doctor followed behind him and the most burdened pair took up the rear. The Time Lord decided, given that there were likely more quiet Cybermen running around, that the most vulnerable and obvious targets shouldn't be left unsupervised. He dropped away from Rick to walk beside Summer and Morty.

Despite Rick's earlier warning not to ask questions, Morty could no more stop himself from pestering the Doctor than he could keep himself from asking Arthricia about the minutia of her planet's Purge.

"So, uh, are you a human or-"

"He has two hearts," Summer interrupted. "What do you think?"

"I-I saw a guy on TV with four arms and-and he wasn't an alien!"

"That guy had a dead twin attached to him!"

The Doctor grimaced and answered quickly to avoid any escalation in the argument. "I am from the planet Gallifrey, in the constellation Kasterborous. I don't know if you have either of those places in this dimension."

Rick said, "Wouldn't know. Gallifrey's a _huge_ bureaucracy with an even b-bigger stick up its ass, so not exactly on my bucket list in any reality."

"Rick said you wore celery." Summer took her turn. "And were a fashionista. I mean, it's not like you're wearing sandals and socks, but 'fashionista' is a really strong word."

"Goddamn it! I never said fashionista; that was your dumb word!" Rick shouted. "Next time a robot wants to t-take your brains, I'll let it. I'll find a reality with grandkids who listen! And I'll just kill that Rick and live there!"

"Oh my God, Grandpa, who solves their problems like that?"

"Y-yeah Rick, that's really dark. And I want to hear about the celery."

The Doctor tried to pretend he hadn't just heard a man threaten to abandon his grandchildren to a fate worse than death, skip through dimensions, and then engage in either suicide or murder depending on how one looked at it. He focused on the pure curiosity of Summer and Morty.

"Celery reacts to certain toxic gases—it turns purple—so it was practical. Not sure why I stopped wearing it."

"What about the scarf and bow-"

"Nobody gives a shit that you like to dress worse than Mork," Rick interrupted. "Or that you can get the multi-dick discount, or-"

Rick suddenly found a finger inches from his nose and a very angry pair of eyebrows glaring at him. " _You_ obviously don't care. About anything. Even your grandchildren seem to be at your convenience. But take it from someone who's used to being the cleverest voice in the room. You can follow the path to nihilism, as you seem content to do. Or you can appreciate the beauty that somehow thrives in an uncaring universe that is stupider than you but will still exist billions of years after your stories are forgotten."

A silence as total and pervasive as death descended on the group. Summer and Morty wanted to drop the sleeves in preparation of running for their lives should Rick completely lose his shit, but were afraid any movement or sound would set him off. The Doctor kept his scolding finger in place and met Rick's scowl with one just as well-honed.

Just when it looked like the Doctor and Rick were going to give each other the evil eye until one of them starved to death, Rick threw his arms up.

"Ask him whatever shit you want!" Rick stomped off quicker and more forcefully than was healthy in the low oxygen environment.

It took a few seconds for Summer and Morty to realize that someone had stood up to their grandfather and had not been swiftly and mercilessly kicked in the crotch until he surrendered and groveled apologies for it. Ever after the full magnitude hit them and passed, neither teen felt like asking about the Doctor's weird fashion sense anymore. They only wanted to know where the Time Lord had gotten such massive balls.

"He isn't the first megalomaniacal genius I've had to put in his place." The Doctor took a pensive moment. "Though I usually don't get to finish my speeches to those people before I'm dragged off to a dungeon."

"R-Rick spends a lot of time in dungeons, too. But they're different kinds of dungeons."

Summer smacked Morty on the back of the head. "Nobody should know this much about their grandpa's sex life!"

"Ow, Summer, it's not like I want to know! Rick drags me everywhere."

"Speaking of 'dragging,' we should probably move. Grandpa Rick's getting really far ahead of us."

Morty and Summer started hauling the bombshell and the Doctor walked lockstep beside them. Despite the distance between them and Rick, nobody was eager to make their lungs burn just to catch up to the pissed-off scientist in the middle of a tantrum. Taking their chances with any lurking Cybermen seemed safer and far less likely to result in them getting sworn at.

As they walked, Summer and Morty continued to ask the Doctor whatever came into their heads. The Doctor was used to humans pelting him with questions but then scoffing at the answers: what kind of deranged maniac claimed to be an alien who traveled the cosmos in a police box? Summer and Morty accepted all his answers and, if anything, sometimes seemed less than impressed.

"What sort of species have you encountered?" the Doctor asked. The teens' blase response to his more alien qualities made him curious.

"Uh," Morty said. "There were those bug people."

"You mean Gromflomites?" Summer mocked. "Geez, Morty, they only took over our planet, why should you remember their name? I better handle this."

Summer was in the middle of trying to explain to the Doctor what a "Meeseeks" was and how badly her dad screwed up using one when the Time Lord grabbed her arm. For a moment she thought she might have offended the Doctor, as she had used a sentient being to gain popularity and then said sentient being had disappeared from existence. Then she noticed that, as tense as the Doctor was, he wasn't even looking at her. He was focused ahead at Rick, who had stopped walking and had taken cover behind a rock. His laser gun was no longer in a neutral position.

Morty sighed. "This isn't gonna be good."

"Why do you say that?" the Doctor asked

"Because it's never good. It's always the-the world getting Cronenberged, or-or-or Summer's stupid friends being secret agents or-"

"At least _my_ evil ex-friend wasn't named Fart," Summer muttered.

The Doctor released Summer's arm and rested his hand on Morty's shoulder. "Let's hope it's a small contingency of Cybermen."

* * *

It wasn't.

* * *

"Yep, we're boned," Rick confirmed.

The Doctor would have preferred a more nuanced phrasing, but judging by the look of things, Rick nailed the sentiment. A few hundred meters ahead, a distance that hopefully nullified the Cybermen's weaponry, the TARDIS was surrounded by a sea of silver.

"No way, there's got to be something. What if- Why don't you open a bunch of portals under them and drop them into a volcano or something?" Summer asked.

Rick scowled. "If my portal gun worked here, Summer, don't you think I would have used it by now?! We'd all be h-home, and I wouldn't have to depend on a blue box of arbitrary rules!"

Summer returned the scowl. "I know it's too unstable to take us home, but it doesn't really matter what portal you drop them in, does it? Like, the ocean would kill them just as good as a volcano."

"But you know what w-won't kill them? Dropping them into the middle of a defenseless city! W-what if I try to portal them to a volcano and instead they s-show up in Beijing and convert 20 million people? Do you think 20 million Cybermen are going to be cool with making iPhones for a dollar a day?"

"...No?"

Rick was not appeased by Summer's answer, correct though it was. "And portals works both ways, Summer! Did you r-realize that? What if I open a portal too close to a star and a solar flare comes through and cooks us all? Or-"

"I get it, I'm wrong! Happy, Grandpa?" Summer asked.

Rick crossed his arms. "No, because I get little to no satisfaction out of p-proving you wrong. I do it so often it's boring. Also, screw Cybermen."

While Summer and Rick bickered, the Doctor did his best to tune them out. It wasn't easy. But there was no way he'd be able to concoct an absurd, wild plan if his brain kept being poked by lines like "The only reason you're even alive right now is because I have good taste."

The Doctor needed a better idea of the terrain between himself and the TARDIS. He risked popping his head over the boulders they'd been using for cover. No Cybermen had shot at them yet, but quick peeks seemed smarter than sitting atop the boulders and having tea.

He and the humans held the high ground, for the exact nothing it was worth. None of the boulders were loose in the least and the only rocks that could be rolled down the hill at the Cybermen were too small to do damage. On the way down there was modest cover by way of more rocks, and a shallow crater that was just big enough to accommodate all their corpses laying side by side and he needed to stop thinking like that.

"Hey. Hey, g-get your head out of your ass. How many of those do you have anyway?"

The Doctor ducked down and turned to face Rick. He decided not to dignify Rick's question with any acknowledgement. "What now?"

"When-when you regenerate, how much does it wreck shit?"

"What does 'r-regenerate' mean?" Morty asked. He'd been sitting alone like the weird kid at lunch, chin propped up on his hands.

"You know how when you die you die?" Rick said.

Morty nodded cautiously. "Uh, I guess- I guess so. I mean, I know people die. I know _I_ die."

Rick jabbed a thumb at the Doctor. "His species has a bunch of get-out-of-jail-free cards. When they get mortally wounded, they 'regenerate' into a new person. They look different, wear different crap, might be a different g-gender."

The Doctor scoffed. "It isn't that simple. If we die too quickly, our bodies don't have time to regenerate. Also, the process doesn't continue forever. Time Lords have a finite number of regenerations."

"Complaining that you _only_ get m-more lives than a cat is like a billionaire bitching when his workers want ten dollars an hour," Rick said.

"My point," the Doctor continued, "is that your plan to sacrifice me is as useless as it is cruel. The Cybermen will kill me very, very dead before I could get close enough to do any damage during regeneration. Even if I was dropped in the middle of them mid-regeneration, I'm not a tactical nuclear bomb."

"Shit. Wait, holy shit!" Rick jerked violently. "Say that again."

"Killing me is pointless?"

"No, not that part, dipshit. The- never mind! Can you open your TARDIS by snapping your fingers?"

"Where did you hear that?"

"A few versions of you can do it, and it gives them the b-biggest boners."

"Please stop. Just stop."

"I-I-I really have something here. If you can do it."

The Doctor nodded. "I can, but I fail to see how it helps."

"That's because you're the second-smartest."

"What did I say about old man slap-fight?!" Summer demanded. "If you have a plan, Grandpa Rick, just tell us!"

"I can drop you r-right in the middle of them. If you can open the doors, you'll live," Rick explained.

"My TARDIS is capsized. Even if your mad plan worked, I've got one functioning arm. I can't hang on and pilot her at the same time."

"Got that covered, dawg." Rick waved his two unbroken arms in the Doctor's face. "If my grandson can fly my ship, I'm sure I can fly yours."

The Doctor folded his working arm across his chest in the closest approximation to crossing his arms that he could get. "Bollocks no."

"Then you and I are g-gonna die and my grandkids are gonna become Cybermen and my daughter will never know what happened to any of us. Uh, their dad will probably k-kill himself, too."

"And I suppose the dog will wither away into old age awaiting their return," the Doctor said dryly.

"No, Snuffles already went to another dimension," Morty said.

"At least we don't have to worry about him! Suppose for one nanosecond I considered your plan. How would we get close enough to access the TARDIS?"

"My shoes c-convert to rocket-powered skis. We'd ski down the hill, use the c-crater for a ramp, and fly over the Cybermen."

The Doctor burst out laughing. "You do not have rocket skis, you daft-"

"Go, go Sanchez ski shoes!"

The Time Lord jumped back as Rick sprouted a pair of bright blue skis from his shoes. Rick lifted one foot up and awkwardly brandished it at the Doctor.

"Who doesn't have skis now?"

The Doctor's only reply was, "I suppose I've lived long enough. Let's die like the biggest idiots in the universe."

* * *

TBC

Author's List o' References:

Negan is a character on _The Walking Dead_ famous for killing people with a baseball bat named Lucille.

Balto is a sled-dog that helped deliver medicine to children in Alaska.

The Fifth Doctor does indeed claim celery will turn purple in the presence of "Praxis gas."

Mork was an alien character played by the late Robin Williams on the show _Mork and Mindy_. Not sure if he dressed Time Lord-y or just 70's but it was colorful.


	6. Hit the Slopes

Looks like this will be the penultimate chapter. Vocab-builder of the day.

Thanks for the reviews, favs, and follows!

* * *

Sanchez ski shoes were rocket-fast, but they weren't quicker than a laser. Humans might have been struck dumb by the sight of two people skiing down a hill, off the lip of a meteor crater, and into the sky, but the Doctor was of the opinion Cybermen, being emotionless, would recover their senses and their aim a lot quicker.

"Okay, okay, I'll f-figure this out too," Rick said. He looked at the blaster in his hand, at the swarm of Cybermen gathered around the TARDIS, at the Time Lord, at Summer and Morty, and down at the skis on his feet.

Rick shook the blaster at Summer and Morty. "One of you, come and get this."

Summer and Morty exchanged nervous glances. "Uh, which one of us?"

"It doesn't matter! Whichever one of you won't stick the g-gun up your ass! If neither of you will do that, I don't care."

"Why are you giving guns to children?!" the Doctor demanded. "Either party on its own is dangerous enough but together they-"

"They've been carrying a planet-busting bomb for an hour now. Where was your bitching then? B-besides, both of them have fired a gun before. And fought in the wastelands. So don't act like I'm taking their innocence."

"As long as you've already damaged your grandchildren before," the Doctor muttered.

Summer finally accepted the gun, if only so Morty could stop moaning and saying "oh jeez" under his breath.

"Thank you, Summer. Glad one of my grandkids could show some initiative. Now sneak over to that rock and start shooting." Rick pointed to a boulder roughly a hundred meters away.

Summer raised her eyebrows. "Uh-huh, and why am I risking my life to hide behind that rock when I have a rock I can hide behind right here?"

"You're drawing enemy fire. If they're shooting at you, they're not shooting at me."

Encouraging Cybermen to shoot at children was at least as bad if not worse than giving children laser weapons, but the Doctor didn't bother protesting. Anything he had to say would not fall on deaf ears, but on the ears of one of the most neglectful and sarcastic guardians the Doctor had ever met. It was better to go along with Rick and hope Summer was as talented with a laser pistol as she was with a stone.

While Summer crept towards her assigned outpost, Rick turned to Morty. "S-stay here and don't die, Morty."

"But-but what if you die, Rick? Remember that video you showed me? Where the guy skied into the tree a-a-and then the raccoon fell out of the tree and started biting h-him and-"

"There aren't any trees or raccoons on this planet, Morty."

"You know what I mean. Skiing is really dangerous-"

"What's _your_ idea, Morty? Huh? H-how are we gonna defeat the Cybermen? We gonna masturbate them to death? Kill them with teenage awkwardness? Beat them with failing math grades?"

The Doctor grabbed Rick's arm and pulled him away from Morty. "You idea is as mad as it is foolish, but it's the only one we have. Will it work? I doubt it. But any chance we might have had will be squandered if you spend all your time abusing your grandson instead of paying attention to what matters!"

"What matters" was Summer arriving at her new gunnery nest. The Cybermen had definitely taken notice of her movements, and a contingent of them tracked her, but none of them fired. Even if an errant Cyberman had fancied itself Deadshot, distance and Summer's natural teenage inclination for craftiness, usually reserved for escaping her room after curfew, would have offered some protection.

"Shit, I don't know if it's g-good or bad they're not trying to kill her," Rick said. "If they don't take the bait, we're gonna die. You're gonna die f-first, 'cause you're riding up front, and then I'm using your body as a shield, but yeah, everybody on this planet is boned."

Summer started blasting Cybermen. And the ground around them. And a few shots pinged off the TARDIS, making the Doctor grab his hair and mutter dark words.

"That's our cue, Doc," Rick said. He skied around the boulder's protection and headed for the lip of the hill.

"I- How are we even going to do this?" the Time Lord asked.

"Just stand in front of me and get ready to snap. P-pretend you got your Infinity Gauntlet all shined up-"

"My _what_?"

"And most importantly, don't think about the dozens of Cybermen that are going to try to k-kill us. Don't even sweat it, dawg, we got this."

"I've lived longer than I ever expected, there are certainly worse ways to go, my corpse should be incompatible to the Cybermen-"

The Doctor was in the middle of his next morbid positive thought when he was swept off his feet by what felt like a locomotive's cow catcher. With a speed and G-forces that would put the most intense roller coaster to shame, the Doctor was propelled down the hill. Behind him—or, more accurately, plastered directly to him—Rick laughed maniacally. At least one of them was enjoying it.

In a matter of seconds the skis hit the crater and by some miracle shot their passengers airborne and not into a bone-crunching heap. The rush of being in the sky was no less intense than it was on the ground and the Doctor wished for a pair of goggles. The force of the air against his face was making his eyes water.

"Get ready!" Rick shouted.

The Doctor forced himself to look down. The TARDIS and encircling Cybermen were fast approaching. Many of the cyborgs had clustered on one side of blue box and were firing at Summer, but not all of them had become distracted. Enough Cybermen were facing their general direction to blow them out of the sky. Luckily, the robots hadn't yet noticed the peculiar object hurtling their way at what felt like the speed of sound.

They had passed the apogee and were losing altitude and speed. The Doctor figured there was no harm in trying now and snapped his fingers. The TARDIS' doors remained firmly locked.

Rick snapped his fingers in the Doctor's ear. "C-come on, gravity's making us its bitch!"

The Cybermen also wanted a piece of the bitch pie. One of them chose that moment to glance upward and realize a UFO that would be more at home on the slopes of Aspen was falling out of the sky. It, and soon every compatriot that wasn't occupied with trying to murder Summer, was shooting at the Doctor and Rick.

Lasers zipping by, an impending collision with unyielding earth, and Rick's increasingly frantic voice all fought for the Doctor's attention. He took a deep breath and shoved them all out of his mind. He focused singularly on the TARDIS doors. They were now close enough for him to read the text upon them. If this didn't work-

No! It had to work, because this was the part of the plan that relied on him! Rick had delivered on the rocket skis and the trajectory, which really were the most mad bits anyway. All the Doctor had to do was open a stupid door.

"God, you better not exist, or I am gonna be so pissed," Rick muttered.

"You're not finding out today. Come on, Sexy!" The Doctor snapped his fingers one last time, a few meters from impact.

The doors fell open.

The two most clever geniuses in the universe rode their momentum to a perfect hole in one. And realized as soon as they cleared the doors that neither of them had packed a parachute or airbags. The same forward motion that had sailed them over the Cybermen now threatened to drop them down into the endless halls of the TARDIS.

Rick had two functioning arms and a distinct advantage. The Doctor reached out one-handed for anything to stop his fall. His first attempt—the handrails just inside the door—was a miserable failure. His fingers grazed the metal for a second but made no solid contact.

The central console was his next and best chance to avoid a very long fall. Given his current velocity, however, landing atop the control panel would probably break half the bones in his body. If he hit a protruding lever or knob the wrong way, well, he hadn't died from a puncture wound in a while.

The Doctor had instinctively braced for impact, extending his good arm out in front of him, when something snagged him by the back of the shirt. He was jerked upward like a yo-yo, his collar digging into his throat and more than a few seams popping under the stress. His broken arm screeched against the abuse, sending stars before his eyes.

"D-don't you pass out, you pussy!" Rick moaned. "I think I dislocated both my shoulders. F-fuck you for being so heavy! Why couldn't you be the _small_ old man version?"

The Time Lord snorted. "Which one? I've got a few that match that description."

"Whichever one weighs less! And doesn't play the recorder. Jesus."

The Doctor craned his neck and was able to see how Rick had managed to catch him. To his great displeasure and disappointment, he discovered he owed Rick's ridiculous arm upgrade for the continued existence of his favorite bones and major organs. Rick had deployed the suction cup not as its intended function, but as the world's most unnecessary grappling hook. The suction cup and its cord—which apparently wasn't common string if it was supporting both their weight—had wrapped around the handrail. Rick's human hand gripped the Doctor's shirt. It wasn't possible to tell if either of the man's shoulders had popped from their socket.

"Get this piece of shit p-plot device moving," Rick said. He let the Doctor go.

The fall this time was no more than a few feet and all the Doctor had to do was bend his knees to take the worst of the impact. He oriented himself to where he'd landed on the control panel and, once that was established, began to pull levers like a mad bastard.

The TARDIS suffered the same intrinsic issues as Rick's portal gun and couldn't dematerialize safely due to the confluence between random dimensions. It could, however, still function as a basic spaceship. That was good enough for the Doctor. Hell, anything besides his old girl laying on her back like a sad carcass was good enough for him at that moment.

With a lurch, the TARDIS began to rise. As the horizontal became vertical, the Doctor found it difficult to remain perched on the control panel. He went with gravity before gravity beat him over the head and slid onto the floor. Nearer the doors, Rick was no longer hanging by his aching arms but was sitting against the metal stairs. That made trying to untangle his string a lot easier.

It also made it a lot easier for Cybermen to walk in like they owned the place. Rick had almost pried himself free when he heard metal on metal, looked up from his work, and found the uninvited guest.

"Doc!"

The Doctor whipped around and saw the Cyberman looming in the doorway. More of its emotionless kin queued up behind it, waiting for the opportunity to invade the TARDIS. Too bad, the Doctor wasn't going to give them the chance. He turned back to the control panel and, his hand moving at a blur, got the space-and-time ship airborne.

That solved the problem of the Cybermen on the ground, but the barn doors had been closed after one horse had escaped. And that horse shot lasers from its wrists.

"D-don't mind me, I'm half upgraded already and the parts that aren't are really old and shitty," Rick said. He finagled the final knot keeping him trapped near the Cyberman, all the while wishing he'd had the insight to include some some of quick-disconnect mechanism. If lizards were smart enough to jettison their tails when grabbed, he should have accounted for the need to shuck off an artificial limb.

"You are a threat to the Cyberiad. You will be deleted," the Cyberman monotoned, but not at Rick. It didn't seem to care he was squatting on the floor, cursing at string.

"That's a lovely compliment, thank you," the Doctor muttered. He glanced around the console and did some math. For the most part, Cybermen were not speed demons. A few highly advanced models could reach terrific speeds, but the ones he faced currently were a far cry from the post-Cyber Wars species he'd seen on Hedgewick's World of Wonders a regeneration ago. The Doctor figured he could play keep-away, fly the TARDIS one-handed, and land where he wanted to without having his brains blasted out.

The Cyberman advanced. The Doctor ignored its heavy footsteps until it was unhealthy to do so any longer, then ran to the opposite side of the control panel. While he was over there, waiting for the lumbering Cyberman to catch up, the Doctor flipped a few levers and turned a few knobs. He didn't have the best view of the door from this angle, but it wasn't like he had to fly to the ends of the universe.

Not having the Cyberman looming over him took the stress off of Rick. He was able to free himself and change from suction cup gun to functioning hand.

"How close are we to Summer?" the Doctor asked.

Rick hurried up the stairs and looked down. Summer's pink top, the brightest color on a mostly dull and gray planet, was eye-catching from even two hundred feet up. She was still behind her rock, but a shit-storm of bad news was marching her way.

"H-hopefully close enough!"

"What's happening down there? Oh, of course, the Cybermen are moving en masse to-"

"Go right!"

The Doctor eyed the distance between the navigational equipment and the Cybermen and mentally shrugged. He was already doing the work designed for twelve hands with only one. Why not add a timer?

The TARDIS swung to the right far harder than was necessary. Rick was forced to grab onto the handrail and accused the Doctor of learning to drive from a male Obravadian. For once, it was actually the Time Lord's intention to throw the contents of his ship around, however. The Cyberman that was been inches from reaching him was knocked off its feet.

While the dislodged Cyberman was climbing ponderously to its feet, Rick acted as the spotter to guide the Doctor. They didn't have far to go, but they didn't have long to get there. Rick's habit of throwing curses into his directions and screaming things like "not _that_ left, asshole!" made him the worst GPS the Doctor had ever seen. True, Rick wasn't trying to steer him into a lake like an ATMOS system would, but at least ATMOS didn't insult your mother when it tried to murder you.

The blue box touched down with precision the Doctor probably wouldn't repeat this regeneration. Summer, who had been taking heavy enemy fire for some time, wasted not a second springing into the TARDIS. As soon as she'd scrambled inside, she slammed the doors with vigor.

"Please tell me you have my gun," Rick said.

"I'm still alive and not a robot, thanks for asking, Grandpa!" Summer shouted.

Rick scoffed. "I'm n-not going to ask a question I can see the answer to."

"Someone kill the Cybermen loose on my ship!" the Doctor demanded. He pointed at the offending robot.

Summer gave a snort of disgust and handed the laser pistol to Rick. "I'm so over this."

Rick's shot would have killed anything up to and including a zombie. The Cyberman, a smoking hole in its head, slumped onto the TARDIS control panel. The Doctor booted it out of the way.

"Let's get Morty and the bomb. I've had enough of everything," the Time Lord said.

* * *

TBC!

Author's Notes:

Deadshot is a sniper from the DC universe.

The Infinity Gauntlet is- Eh, I'm not explaining this, everyone and their goldfish has seen _Avengers_. Probably a bunch of times.


	7. End with a Bang

I'm proud to present: the last chapter! Thanks to everyone who read, reviewed, favorited and followed. Hope you enjoy.

* * *

By some miracle, Morty and the bombshell were exactly where Rick had left them. Cybermen hadn't abducted them, Morty's ADHD hadn't been triggered by a squirrel, some secondary alien species hadn't arrived on the scene to make matters shittier. Rick breathed a sigh of relief and slumped against the door frame. He wouldn't have to try and cash in his free Morty replacement coupon today.

Morty had been seated on the bomb, his chin propped in his hands, until he noticed the blue box hurtling toward him. Once he saw that he hopped up and started waving frantically. Rick, standing in the doorway some 50 feet up, waved back.

"D-don't land on his head, Doc," Rick said as the TARDIS descended.

"I've flown this ship for thousands of years and a dozen lifetimes. I haven't squashed anyone's head yet," the Doctor replied.

Rick snorted. "It's not like you'd notice if you did."

"If it was _your_ head I would, because I'd have my first moment of peace all day."

Summer walked up to the control console, looked at the array of buttons, levers, goobers, and doodads, and said, "I'm going to start pressing things if you don't stop fighting. Because there's no way I'm telling Mom robots killed Morty."

The Doctor threw himself between Summer and the console. "Unauthorized touching could rip a hole in the time vortex! ...Or delete all the messages on my answerphone."

Without waiting for a reply, the Doctor turned to the console and did some fancy tinkering. The TARDIS began to descend.

"Holy shit, you're gonna crush him!" Rick shouted.

When the Doctor fumbled for an emergency brake, Rick snorted laughter. "Morty's n-not the brightest white dwarf in the galaxy, but not even he'd stand there and get flattened."

Rick's further attempts to harass the Doctor were met with silence and gritted teeth. As efficiently and quickly as possible, the Doctor set the TARDIS down a few feet away from Morty.

"Come on, Morty. G-get that bomb in here," Rick said.

"No, Morty, do not bring that bomb onto my TARDIS." The Doctor crowded next to Rick in the doorway, effectively blocking the boy's entry.

Rick rounded on the Doctor. "W-what do you think you're doing?! We need that bomb!"

"You've never built a weapon like this, and the first place to try shouldn't be a spaceship filled with limitless energy. And delicate equipment. And my bedroom. And children, I suppose," the Doctor replied.

"So you wanna a-assemble it out there? With the Cybermen crawling up our asses?"

"We can fly it to the other side of the planet."

Rick blew a raspberry. "Screw it. We should have time to do it here before we're ro-robotically effed in the A."

Agreement reached, the Doctor and Rick joined Morty outside. Rick took custody of the bombshell and the Doctor ushered Morty into the TARDIS, where, so the Time Lord hoped, the two kids would be sheltered should Rick's bomb-making skills prove to be no better than his parenting skills.

"Are-are you guys gonna be okay?" Morty asked.

The Doctor shrugged. "How good are your grandfather's bombs?"

Morty rubbed the back of his head. "Uh, not that good. Especially when he's drunk. One time, uh, he-"

"Thanks for p-putting in a good word, Morty! Just get on the ship and let me t-take care of everything as usual."

Rick slammed the door in Morty's face. He then crouched next to the bombshell and removed his portal gun and the Microverse battery. The portal gun went down his waistband for safekeeping. The battery was set to the side for near-future use. Once the battery was out of the way, Rick held up his hand, palm flat. The Doctor went pocket-fishing and produced the first of many Cyberman power units. He slapped the mechanism into Rick's waiting palm.

They worked like an assembly line, the Doctor passing the units to Rick and Rick linking them together by whatever trailing wires were available. As the individual power cells became a chain, Rick coiled them into the bombshell.

For an alcoholic old man, Rick had dexterous fingers and knew his way around Cyberman parts. Much quicker than the Doctor dared anticipate, Rick finished joining the power units together. He picked up the Microverse battery and one end of the chain.

"Figured now might be a good time to tell you. I've b-blown myself and Morty up in, eh, several dimensions."

The Doctor could with a straight face say he'd foiled plots by corporate toads on Pluto, but there was no adventure in his repertoire that could compete with what Rick had just revealed.

"Morty and me, we're originally from a f-few doors down on the Central Finite Curve. I was too good at making Cronenbergs and this dimension's Rick was too shitty at making Ionic Defibulizers. So when this dimension's Rick and Morty e-exploded in the garage-"

"I'm getting in the TARDIS." The Doctor entered the blue box and decided he'd be hiding behind the console until Rick either gave an all-clear or a stupendous bang tore a chunk from the planet. He invited Morty and Summer to join him in ducking and covering.

Now that he was the only potential casualty, Rick mated the battery to the assembled power units. "Come on, Zeep, if you can power a planet, you can d-destroy one."

A powerful buzz traveled along the line of power cells. Rick took it as a good sign that energy was at least flowing through the chain of mechanisms. Was any of it being stored? If it was, would it be enough to destroy the Cybermen?

Rick didn't know about all that, but he did know things were starting to get hot. The power units were all looking more like coals in a furnace than circuitry. Smoke began to pour from the mechanism linked directly to the Microverse battery. Rick was loath to give up the battery, having invested so much time into cultivating a planet that worshiped him and named holidays after him, but-

"It's now or never, and I personally suggest _now_."

Rick looked behind him to see the Doctor standing in the doorway, beckoning him into the TARDIS. The mad scientist took a quick look at the imminent cataclysmic failure brewing at his feet. He'd started some sort of reaction that hopefully would end with a legitimate bang and not a fart.

Fart or not, the Microverse battery had done its job. Rick yanked it free of the Cyberman parts, clutched it to his chest, and backpedaled into the TARDIS as fast as his legs would carry him. The Doctor closed the doors with a snap of his fingers and hurried back to the central console.

It was time to say goodbye to the desolate little rubbish planet of the Cybermen.

With as much haste as possible, the Doctor got the TARDIS airborne and headed for the upper atmosphere. "Any idea what we should expect?"

"Something between a b-bad night of burritos and a supernova," Rick replied.

The Doctor sighed. "Fantastic. Let me see if I can get any of these screens working. Exterior view, panoramic would be nice but I'll take what I can-"

The screen that had just come to life flared white. For a moment the Doctor thought his finicky equipment had shorted out. He was reaching up to smack the screen when the shock wave rolled into the TARDIS.

Summer and Morty were thrown into each other and then to the floor. The Doctor was knocked against the console hard enough to bruise his ribs and squeeze the breath from his lungs. Rick was forced to climb onto the handrail when the body of the trespassing Cyberman slid across the floor and threatened to break his legs on impact. The control panel emitted showers of sparks and the lights flickered, adding to the chaos.

"No, no more fires! I've had enough fires in here for one day!" the Doctor panted. He pried himself from the console, momentarily pressed a hand to where a lever had jabbed him, and then set about containing the sparks.

While the Doctor worked to stabilize the ship and prevent another inferno, Rick needed to see what damage his bomb had done. He'd set off bombs large enough to turn an Earth-analogous planet into cosmic dust. This explosion...not remotely close.

Without considering how high up they were, Rick thrust open the doors to the TARDIS. Luckily, the air corridor extended out around the ship and prevented Rick from passing out from hypoxia seconds later. It also kept the stupendous dust cloud that blanketed everything and reduced vision to zero from entering the ship.

"Don't know what I expected," Rick said. "Doc, w-when you get your shit together, we need to land. Gotta check for survivors. And kill them"

The Doctor grunted in affirmation. He too knew how much energy was needed to do mortal damage to a planet: considerably more than the output of Rick's kludge bomb. That didn't necessarily mean it hadn't wiped out the Cybermen, however. They just wouldn't know until they checked the blast zone. Good thing the sparks had stopped and nothing seemed to be so damaged as to warrant immediate repairs.

The Time Lord set the TARDIS on a slow descent. A few kilometers down, alarms began flashing. Heat and air quality were incompatible with life. Moments-after-a-meteorite-impact level of incompatible with life.

So much for landing.

"I have infrared sensors. Somewhere. No, that's- I don't know what that is. Bee-vision, maybe." The Doctor tapped a few buttons on the control panel and the screen that had whited out earlier changed to a bleak grey-scale.

Rick forgot about dust-gazing and ran over to peep the screen. It showed a landscape that had been rearranged, an enormous crater scooped out of the ground and its contents cast into the sky. As the TARDIS approached the smoldering nightmare that had been hills and valleys until a few minutes ago, it became more and more apparent nothing, including solid metal, had survived.

In the sheer scale of destruction, it took nearly half an hour before Rick found proof-positive of a Cyberman's corpse. Though he logically knew they hadn't burrowed away to avoid the blast, he would have obsessed over it unless he found some fragment. That fragment came in the form of a puddle of bright melted metal, like quicksilver, that was just beginning to harden.

"I'm satisfied," Rick announced.

"That there aren't any Cybermen existing on any other part of the planet?" the Doctor inquired.

Rick scowled. "No, asshole, t-that we killed these specific Cybermen right here, right now. It could ra-rain a million Cybermen from some other dimension in five minutes. When we g-get home, I'll build another ship and neutrino bomb and next time I'm in the neighborhood, I'll blow it up right."

"Y-yeah, I wanna go home, uh, before more robots show up," Morty said.

"Me too. I'm not doing this again and I need a shower," Summer added.

The Doctor said, "I'm happy to return you to Earth, as soon as we're beyond this instability. Until then, no human or upgraded human hands anywhere near my controls."

Rick leaned casually against the central console. "W-what about human asses?"

"By all means, press that button with your posterior and send us all to oblivion. It will spare me from having to play taxi to you any longer."

Rick was at least half sure the Doctor was lying, but he decided not to risk twerking just then. In all truth, Rick had to force himself not to watch and learn. Because time travel was the weakest of weak sauce when it came to science, and he wasn't going to be drawn in. He'd ignore all the crap the Time Lord spouted, and once he was home on Earth, he'd do real science.

The TARDIS was much more protected from the waves of instability than Rick's ship had been, but it couldn't totally shield its passengers from the strange confluences outside. Luckily for Summer and Morty, what had been stimulating vibrations on the journey to the planet of the Cybermen was just a weird tingling on the homeward route. The strange feeling passed without anyone having to avoid awkward eye contact or cover their crotch to avoid infinite shame.

The Doctor announced, "This should be far enough away from the dimensional disturbance. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, I can get you back to Earth. ...Earth is still the third planet from the Sun and shares a solar system with Mars and Neptune and the like in this dimension, isn't it?"

"Yeah, don't worry about it. If it's stable enough for your paradox-waiting-to-happen, my portal gun can get us home," Rick replied, removing the gun from the back of his pants.

"W-wait a second, Rick," Morty said.

Rick rolled his eyes. "What now, Morty?"

"How's the Doctor gonna get home? Di-didn't he almost die coming to this dimension?"

"I was going to search for a wormhole that-" the Doctor began.

"And what about his arm?" Morty continued.

"What do you want me to do, Morty? Huh? Get him an arm from the Blood Dome and-"

"How about that dimension with-with the broken leg medicine? Why can't you get broken a-arm medicine from them? He saved me, Rick, and you said they sold that stuff-"

"Are you sure that wasn't a high dose of morphine?" the Doctor asked to no reply.

"Fine, Morty! I'll do it! And you know what else, Morty? Grandpa's gonna have lots of sex while he's there! With people who never age and are so hot y-you-"

"Gross, just go!" Summer groaned.

Rick aimed his portal gun at the floor and fired before the Doctor could protest. A green, swirling circle appeared and the Doctor's jaw came unhinged. Rick hopped into the portal and let his extended middle fingers be the last his grandchildren saw of him before he vanished. The portal closed moments after Rick's flip-off left the dimension.

Summer and Morty walked nonchalantly over the space the portal had just occupied. The Doctor could only stand there, staring. What he'd just seen- It was absurd- It was beyond Time Lord technology- It was insanity.

"Phew, I love that dimension. E-except for the constant reminders of my mortality. Here's the broken-arm serum."

The Doctor spun around just in time to see Rick walk out of the wall. The mad scientist was holding a needle full of purple stuff. The Doctor promptly backed away.

"It does work," Morty said. "At least on b-broken legs. I fell off a cliff and-"

"And your legs looked like accordions," Rick said. "But if he wants to s-suffer, I don't give a shit. I'll save this for the next time Morty can't work shoes."

"If this kills me, I hope my next renegeration is large enough to throw you out into space," the Doctor said. Before he could think better of it, he grabbed the needle and injected its dubious contents into his shattered arm.

The effect was as instantaneous as it was miraculous. In a state of silent shock, the Doctor eased his arm out of its sling and turned the limb. He expected to be stabbed with pain at any moment. Even with more strenuous testing, the arm showed no signs of having been broken.

"You're welcome. M-maybe now you can actually d-drive this blue Dumpster," Rick said. He gave the Doctor coordinates and then settled onto the Cyberman's corpse to wait.

Maybe the simple joy of having two functioning arms and zero pain energized him, or maybe the TARDIS wanted to be rid of its foul-mouthed occupant as much as the Doctor did. For whatever reason, the Doctor, who regularly overshot his destination by centuries or continents, managed to land a mere ten feet from where Rick had told him to go. Did that put him in the middle of the street? Yes, but at least no vehicles were coming at that moment.

"Thanks for not leaving us to die," Summer said. "Oh, and for letting me do CPR on you."

Morty shook the Doctor's hand. "S-sorry about your arm. And Rick. And-"

The Doctor shrugged. "All beyond your control. Don't let your grandfather get you or this dimension killed."

Morty laughed nervously and tried not to let the weight of the Doctor's words crush him. He exited the TARDIS sweating.

Rick was the last man out, for reasons that would be clear soon enough. On his way out the door, with his assorted toys, flasks, and the Microverse battery either tucked under his arms or jammed into his pants, Rick paused before the Time Lord and appraised him.

"You're not the worst version of _you_ I ever met," Rick finally said.

"I'm obviously top three material," the Doctor replied.

Rick snorted. "K-keep telling yourself that. Now get the fuck out of my dimension!"

The mad scientist stepped out of the TARDIS, unburdened himself of everything except the portal gun, and gave the Doctor the one-finger salute with his other hand. The Doctor returned the Gallifreyan equivalent gesture and then slammed the door. He hoped Rick's manufactured dimensional portal would be a bit gentler on the TARDIS than the natural gateway he'd crossed earlier.

The portal opened beneath the TARDIS and swallowed it in a flash. Morty looked at the empty street where the blue box had just been.

"Did you send him home?" Morty asked.

"Sure, Morty. B-back to his own reality, where he can keep thinking he's the smartest. Or a really similar reality, at least. Definitely not to that dimension where everyone's corn."

"Oh."

Rick scoffed. "Don't worry about him. He's got a time machine. He can k-keep intelligent corn from evolving. I'm kidding, Jesus!"

Morty wrung his hands. "I-I-I just-"

"Forgot it, Morty! We're never gonna see him again, and b-by next week, you'll have a hard-on for some new asshole."

"Whatever you say, Rick. I'm gonna go see Mom."

"Have fun. If anyone needs me—don't—I'll be in the backyard."

Morty tried his best not to think about why Rick would be in the yard and not in his lab. It wasn't like Rick mowed the lawn or anything. After grabbing a quick snack from Beth, Morty's curiosity got the better of him.

"What in the hell, Rick?!" Morty shouted.

Rick was draping a large tarp over the Cyberman corpse that had magically appeared near the fence. "I couldn't p-portal it into the garage. The Doctor might've seen it and bitched."

"Why portal it anywhere?!" Morty demanded.

"Because the whole trip was a huge fart, Morty. I wasn't leaving e-empty handed. If you stop being such a b-baby about this, maybe you can still get a computer out of it."

"But-"

"G-go close the garage door, Morty. And clear the shit off that table. You know the one I mean, the b-big one."

Morty sighed and reluctantly obeyed. As soon as he was gone, Rick turned back to the Cyberman. Minus the laser hole, it was a fully intact body.

He was going to be able to upgrade so many things as soon as he got that Cyberman into his lab.

* * *

THE END!

Thanks for reading, folks. Hope you enjoyed.

Author's Notes:

A white dwarf is a small, very dense star.

The corporate toads on Pluto episode is called _The Sun Makers_ and is from the Fourth Doctor era.


End file.
